Beauty found
“Home” (a poem)
It’s been some time (a diary)
Hello there!
Well, it has been some time, more than half a year since I last wrote something here. I actually thought my “microcosm” era had come to an end, but as it turns out it hasn’t!
So, I still live with OCD, still doing art, and still renovating my fresh apartment and going to move in in autumn. For the time being I try really hard to relax and take some time of from anything stressing (or anything in general) and have some vacation time! Reading, writing, cross-stitching, crochet, only things that help me relax!
So glad to be back to blogging!
Take care until next time, Angelina
Diary
Hello, hello !
What a year 2020 is, right?! A global pandemic, quarantines (we’re currently going through the second one here in Greece), and all things gloomy in general.
For me, 2020, is a big break up, my OCD keep going strong and a second round of medication for it.
Well, in August I decided to start the project of decluttering my home. The home of a maximalist, with many many triggered items in it. And that’s a project in progress. Even before the second quarantine, I have been decluttering, cleaning, working through triggers inside my home.
In the past, I have tried decluttering my apartment for good, but never seemed to make it to the “finish line”. This time I’m in the right mindstate, letting things go, and having the courage to go through memories and triggers. Decluttering is already a difficult task, add an anxiety disorder to it and it gets even tougher. But, I keep going! My goal is to have an OCD-free space. And while I’m cleaning, donating, throwing away, I’m rethinking about my spending habbits. Not going to become a minimalist (at least not yet), but I have gotten really into the philosophy of minimalism and basically living with less objects.
So, that’s it up until now!
Take care until tge next one,
Angelina
Live your mental health with pride
This one if for all the fellow “sufferers” of mental health. “Sufferers”, because I don’t really like the word. Yes, it’s a challenge living with a mental health disorder or illness, but “suffering” reminds me of pity. Plus, there are many undiagnosed people out there that for their own reasons haven’t seek help yet, and this one is for them as well.
I’m all about talking about mental health and creating even the slightest awareness about it. And I talk quite openly about my experience with OCD as well. Recently, I broke up. It was a relationship with a person who was very supportive with the everyday issues created by my OCD, but in the end the reason he used (I say “used”, because there were a couple of issues regarding himself that led to his decision to break up, that I guess he didn’t want to express) for his decision was my OCD. So, he told me that my OCD would never get better and things would keep going from bad to worse and he wouldn’t be able to handle it. When I heard the words coming out of his mouth, for the first couple of minutes, I felt that my obsessive compulsive mind was right telling me for months that eventually he was going to leave me because of my mental health problems (my mind was telling me all these when in reality there was no indication of any of it). For those moments, my mind started telling me that it was right, that there would be no one to be able to handle my OCD in a relationship; ever.
And then I said to my mind “no!”. And I also said “no” to my now-ex-boyfriend as well. No, having OCD isn’t a sentence for life, my OCD taking a turn for the worse doesn’t mean that it will be like this forever. OCD is a part of who I am basically.
For the past couple of days now, I have been thinking how society and people around us perceive mental health and other people with mental health issues. And that’s when I knew I wanted to write a few words to all of you out there…. so I can also read them from time to time, when in doubt!
- It’s not your fault.
We were either born this way, or either shaped this way from situations and people (or both). There is NO way our mental health issues are our fault, no way at all!
- It can get difficult for family and friends to deal with your mental health, but always keep in mind that the person that has it the worst is you.
Living life with a brain that doesn’t cooperate, a brain that makes everyday activities harder, a brain that may even create a parallel reality, a brain that won’t shut the fuck up, a brain that’s strong and exists inside your head? Come on, we’re warriors living and battling our own brains basically. Let’s keep up the good and hard work!
- Wear your mental health with pride.
You might not want to talk about it publicly in a blog, or on social media, but do you. Either way we must be proud in our everyday lives that we keep living our life with its ups and downs and fight (some days more, some days less, it’s ok).
- Never forget, even when things are bleak and unbearable, that mental health has ups and downs. And that brighter days await for you in the future!
A mental health journey isn’t only black and white. There are many shades of gray and pinches of all the colors as well. Just hold tight because we’re experiencing that color prism while riding a roller coaster.
- Love and take care of yourself, always.
It’s easy to have issues with yourself when you have mental health problems, but it all begins with loving yourself, your body and even that weird brain of yours that’s creating the problem. Feeling conformable in your skin is a good base getting better!
So, that’s all for now. Take care until the next one!
Angelina
Diary
After a break up, the hole that the person leaves in your life seems so big. And it becomes a little bigger before starting getting smaller again. I’m in the smaller phase now. Still one step at a time. It helps that I believe that the right people are going to stay in your life, I don’t believe in great loves that got away. If someone left, they weren’t your human or the great love of your life!
And there’s my 1-year-project, in which I’m trying to improve things I don’t like in my life. This is also going well. I’m improving my body, I finished my script, I keep making art and I do A LOT of brainstorming about my next moves and goals in my plan/year/life.
The best news of all is that I’m back in medication for my OCD (I was planning this for months now, but there were some technicalities that were eventually solved). Things are going very well, I’m going to wait a little more and write about my second round of medication treatment on a seperate post. Until then, I can give you a hint: I’m writing this post being triggered and I’m not in any hurry to have a shower!
Take care until next time,
Angelina
The beauty of surrendering to your feelings
Not all feelings are pleasant. And maybe we want to avoid going through some off them. I know feeling lonely is one of my worst.
When we don’t want to feel something we might be in denial, maybe still feel it and try to ignore it, or hide it behind something else (maybe another feeling).
But, feelings don’t go anywhere and they’re still inside our brain no matter how hard we try to avoid them. And usually the best thing to do is to just surrender!
Do you feel angry? Do you feel sad? Do you feel lonely? Any negative feeling can feel so much better if you accept it. For example, the other night after one full day, I started feeling weird, and then a little blue, and then lonely. I tried to avoid it for a while, maybe it was the fact that I was tired, maybe my energy levels have dropped. Yes, all these might have worked as factors for my state of mind at the moment, but the base was simply the fact that I was feeling lonely! Not pleasant, but I was feeling like I was alone and I wish I could have someone around me.
And when it’s less than a month after my break up, still going through with processing things, and even though I’m moving on, there’s the cloud of the past over me sometimes, and some other times I can see the distant sun of the love stories that will come in the future. The limbo in between can get awkward and lonely.
So, feeling lonely for a while it’s completely normal. And accepted; even if I’m doing OK in general.
There’s a beautiful and liberating moment, right when you say “I can’t avoid it anymore, I’m feeling this/that way”. It’s some kind of peace. Like a small fire burning inside your chest, keeping you warm, no matter how cold things can get. In a way you accept yourself. Because our feelings are part of who we are.
And the really good news is that everything seems a little better when you stop fighting it!
Photo of the day
The Twilight Zone
I was supposed to move into a new apartment with my boyfriend. We were supposed to start something new, from scratch.
And then we broke up. He broke up with me. And with no intent of working things out.
It felt like I was entering the Twilight Zone. I was so much into the reality I was living in up until the point I heard the phrase “I want us to break up”, that the sudden change made me feel like I was entering the Twilight Zone. And there I wasn’t going to get out of it.
I still live in that Twilight Zone. It’s my new reality. Dealing with the post break up period, and working on new plans.
I’m a sucker for planning. I love making plans and following schedules. And now I have many new plans to follow.
I do well with adapting to change. And I like change (of course I prefer positive change). I adapt quickly and efficiently, I like turning bad things into something a bit more positive. Like I have done now. Dealing with life as it is one day at a time.
But…. there’s this small knot in the back of my mind that makes its appearance every now and then. A knot of my life before I entered… the Twilight Zone!
The one year project
As I have mentioned before, I’m in a phase of my life that practically nothing goes well.
My OCD is on its pick. I live next to my grandma and her husband (one with dementia, one bedridden), which comes with responsibilities for their care. My home still needs a good decluttering and a do-over. There are issues I have to deal with my family. I’m not so happy with my body right now. I love my art, but it’s not so successful up until this point. And my personal life got back to zero after my recent break up.
And all these on top of the past couple of years which definitely didn’t work in my favor!
I have been needing some change for months now. And after the break up I have more time (and freedom) in my hands to work on my life! I haven’t been in a good place for a long time now, and I’m finally in the right state of mind to move on to better things.
The other day I decided to change everything, work on making things better. And put a deadline on this “project”.
One year: July 9th of 2020 to July 9th of 2021.
Not that everything’s going to be fixed by then, but one year it’s good enough to keep me motivated to do things, while in the same time it’s enough to see results and make real progress.
Of course, I’m going to write about it here!
The microcosm inside my mind 