Living with OCD (no.6)

The first signs of my obsessive compulsive actions started when I was 17 years old. I started obsessing about my personal hygiene. I couldn’t go to bed at night if I haven’t had a shower. It sounds normal but it’s only one example and there’s this phrase “must do” that its crucial about ocd.

So, I practically suffer from ocd since then. I have been suffering from ocd my whole adult life ( I’ll be 29 on February).
I don’t like the word “suffering” or “sufferer”, because I have reached a point where I’m in control of my anxiety. But it wasn’t always like this. I have been through years of cleaning, of stuck thoughts inside my mind, of panic attacks, of moments (when I had a trigger) frozen in time. Ocd is like a cage, or a transparent box, your mind keeps you there. Until one day… it can’t take it anymore. Too much anxiety. Too many “must dos”. Too many thoughts. Too many “dangers”. I’ve had that day.
And recently I had the day opposite to that one.
I have been living in peace with my disorder for more than a year, making progress all the time. My goal is to be able to control it forever, not getting over it. One of these days I sat on a taxi seat with stains, it was clean, but the fabric had stains. This one is a HUGE trigger for me. The magic happened when my mind was totally cool about it. I wasn’t fully stressed, just a little bit. I was very cautious after that, being careful of where I will sit, what I’ll touch, I was looking forward for my shower time. BUT, there was this new feeling of some kind of freedom. I had a huge trigger and I wasn’t falling apart, my mind was working it out calmly.
It was a moment of revelation, a sneak peak of the freedom that “normal” people, that don’t suffer from ocd, have! And it was overwhelming, I was close to tears of joy, because I don’t really know how it’s life without ocd. But, I’m getting a bit of its taste now; I’m getting to know life without  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder controlling  my existence! 

Advertisements

Embracing (the outside) 

Yesterday I noticed  the “I have embraced” hashtag on social media. I’m in a procedure of embracing who I really am for many months now, so I immediately wrote it down for future use!

So, this morning I was looking at the mirror my so naturally full hair. Since I was little I loved all those bob haircuts that created a sleek hair effect. I have too much hair, so my hair always looked closer to a lion, than a sleek look. But, I have embraced that, and even being proud of it now. Well, I was born with a great quantity of hair, while other people don’t have that. Many women have to add extensions and other trinkets to their hair, so it looks full or in order to create a special hairstyle. I can just do it with my natural hair.

20171019_080033.jpg

And one more thing that I think helped in this embracing is all the months I passed next to my mama, while she was in chemo, while she was recovering from her surgery. (I offered to cut some of mine for her, to create a natural wig, but it was too expensive,but I’m planning of donating some of my hair sometime).
Next thing I thought of as I was looking at the mirror was the mole I have close to my chin. I actually have a couple of them around my face. Since I was little I remember thinking that my moles were the first thing someone noticed when they looked at me. Maybe it was, maybe it is, I don’t know really know. But I’ve always been a fan of embracing yourself, so some thoughts of a future removal never became a reality.

20171019_080145.jpg

I’m not 100% cool with them yet, but. I’m really close to it! (Yeah, I used to think that my nose was too big too, but it’s ok after all. A close selfie isn’t doing it justice).

Then, one big thing is the rest of my body. I used to be really really (naturally) thin. Until a couple of years ago, I used to be a size 36 in jeans. I don’t wear jeans anymore, I prefer dresses (a style thing, not a body conscience thing), but I think I would be a 42 or 44 now.

I started gaining weight a few years ago, been through diets, etc. But for the last year and a half that I’m in therapy for my anxiety, I thought that as well as I’m embracing my inner self, I should embrace my outer self as well!

Plus, I realized a couple of things while watching my mama going through her cancer period, the sickness, all the times she couldn’t eat, etc. Life is too short after all, to be on a diet. And for what?! A role model that some people decided on your behalf? No, thanks.

IMG_20170917_192324_378.jpg

Now, I usually wear a size L and it’s ok. I spent months of takeout food, because I was too tired of cooking something other than what my mom needed to eat. So, I see my body now as some kind of medal for all we’ve been through and won!

I have bought many new clothes, because most of the old ones didn’t fit. I stopped caring about the number on the tag, as much as I did in the beginning.

I love my body, my body type (thin upper part and wider lower part),  my mind and life!

“The werewolf rises” (a poem) 

This one is special!

It’s the second year I participate in #mabsdrawlloweenclub, an art challenge that is hosted by Mab Graves. For each day of October, there is a Halloween-inspired theme and artists from all around the world create a piece of art (all forms of art are accepted) according to theme!

I use a variety of forms for my art, so I combine them all, one day I might draw something or another I might write a poem (like today!).

I love the way this challenge brings so many artists together and the fact that people like me, can use the different mediums they already use!

Let’s have a happy/creative/creepy October!!

newproject_1_original-6-562089847.jpg