Being afraid

You definitely know that little voice inside your head telling you that things might go wrong, that you might be rejected, that something bad might happen, etc, etc.

Yes, I’m talking about being afraid. No, this isn’t a post about anxiety and OCD. It’s about all these times that you, and I, and everyone else is afraid to do something or is afraid that something bad will happen.

Feeling fear, listening to that stupid little voice inside your head is definitely unpleasant. There come moments when “recordings” of past experiences and thoughts are activated inside our minds, and they start messing with our reality. They wake up all the fear and the insecurities (and they throw parties inside your head).

There are many moments when I, myself, think that “I am afraid”.

Yes I am, I’m afraid of things happening or of things not happening, I’m scared that things might go wrong and I’m fucking afraid (to terrified) to try things and go for the things I want.

What I usually do is be kind to myself, think a bit of my fear, think about how much do I want something. And then take a breath, take myself by the hand and go for it!

After all, in life, you can never be sure about many things. Actually, there are less than few things that you can be sure about. Call it flow of things, uncertainty, life, whatever suits you!

And are you willing to lose things because of the fear inside your head?

I know I’m not.

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Almost spring

Yesterday I had one of these weird and kind of hard days. Shit happens and it’s ok!

So, in the afternoon, I wanted to spend some time on the balcony. I go out wearing flip flops (I wear them all year long inside the house). The sun might have been out all day, but it was quite cold! I go back inside, put on some sleepers, and go back out. Still cold, but who cares…?!

I wanted to spent some time outside and I did exactly that, no matter what!

It was so nice, it was raining during the night and the sky was clear, and small ponds of water where created, and the birds were singing, and I could smell spring you (it may be the fresh air that is so characteristic to spring), the spring coming, the longer days, the different light, the chilly evenings…!

Kind of dreaming awake?

Maybe…! Maybe not.

Here are some photos to help you dream as well!

Dear Dodo

My grandma’s sister (who was also my mama’s godmother) was named Theodora. They were calling her Dodo. My middle name is Theodora (add the first one, which is Angelica and you get Angelina).

Today would be her nameday. And today is my nameday as well. As an adult, I have decided to celebrate this day, more as a reminder of her, than the nameday itself.

I see this day as a link between me and her, who died a couple of years before I was born.

Today I’m going to write her a letter.

…………………………

Dear Dodo,

I am your sister’s granddaughter and Eva’s daughter. We’ve never met, but I know you from the stories that run in the family.

I’ve always had pictures of you in my home. And many of them have ended up in the part of it that I use as my art studio. You were a crafter after all!

We love the same things, the delicate things, the craft supplies, fabric, yarn hooks, shopping, going to the theater alone (well, I prefer cinema, but anyway), starting our day by taking care of ourselves, we love all fine things in life.

I have so many small memories, stories and objects of you in my everyday life. I wear your rings (I’m maybe the only woman in the family that can wear them, since they’re such a small size), I use your black tea pot (I renewed the cast iron), I use your black Singer sewing machine, I have clothes of yours, and many trinkets too!

I use fabric that you bought to make clothes and jewelry. I have your Ikebana scissors among my art supplies. I can pee in the sea while walking in the same time, like you did. And when I clean my nose with a tissue and meanwhile I talk, mama calls me “Dodo”, because she says our movement is identical.

You must know your memory lives on, and that’s mama’s doing. And your memory is going to live on in the future too, I’ll make sure of that.

You were an amazing human being and were/are/will be loved, just so you know!

Love,

Angelica – Theodora