The final girl

I love the idea of the final girl in slasher/horror movies. I love its version in “You’re next”. I once did a quiz about the order in which I would die in a slasher/horror movie and my result was that I would be the final girl. I dressed up as a final girl for Halloween this year. And today, the 13th of November, a Tuesday, I realized that I am basically a final girl in real life.

This post is one of the extremely personal ones.

I have written about suicide in the past. And there’s a poem about it as well.

In case you don’t already know it, I have been there. In my teenage years I had slight thoughts of it. And when my then untreated OCD made me reach my limit, I had suicidal ideations. My mind told me how I would do it. My therapist one day told me I should have a list of people I would call if my thoughts were leading to actions (short version).

It never happened. I survived that period, it’s been two years now. Everything is going really well. Still in therapy, OCD under control, and less than a month left for my medication (wheeee!).

Today I had a session with my therapist. And she told me during our conversation something that entered my brain as an info, but took me a while to realize it. After the session, I went to the grocery store, had a trigger (everyday life for me), went home, pressed play on a Spotify playlist with slow instrumental music, started cleaning some things from the trigger, and………it hit me. I realized what she really told me!

She told me that the fact that I’m a fighter and have a great survival instinct, helped me to cope, helped me not to let myself go, helped me to fight.

That moment I realized that I survived my thoughts, I won, I was stronger than my brain. I’m alive and still here, because I am a fighter. I… won!!

Haha, it’s like I’m the final girl in real life. I have fought and keep fighting. And if I managed to win something like suicidal ideations and be happy and be here today, right now, I can do sooo many things! I can even live without OCD one day! (Maaagic!!)

All these thoughts burst into my mind, left aside my cleaning (OCD in pause), and well, let’s say I was crying and laughing, and crying, and crying, and saying to myself (out loud) “I won, I’m a fighter and I won!”, and laughing, and crying.

It was one of the greatest revelations I had during my 2+ years of therapy. And some kind of milestone for my life.

And writing these kind posts is not only for my sake (yes, it’s nice to tell your story to people who are willing to listen/read it), but most of all it’s the thought that one story, one post may help someone that’s going through a rough period.

Always remember, that you’re GOING THROUGH IT, it’s not forever. Things ARE GOING to get BETTER!

Living with OCD (no.25)

OCD is a bubble. And if you have it, you try to stay in there. Well you don’t really have much choice anyway.

Also, it’s a constant circle. Obsession, compulsion, obsession, compulsion, etc, etc.

And at some point there’s a thought: life without OCD.

Oh my, LIFE WITHOUT OCD!

At first it seems quite impossible, and then like a utopia, and then scary (very scary).

Because OCD is kind of a safe zone. You have it, you have control. It’s a comfort zone and you learn to live with it. Life without it can be full of uncertainty, and anxiety. And OCD is a way of coping with anxiety.

Then, you start having this idea, over and over. And you start getting more familiar with it.

A life without OCD.

It can be full of freedom. And more relaxing. And full of beautiful surprises!

It’s a dream, a plan, a goal, that takes a lot of work, tons of courage and your full self and energy.

But it’s worth it. You owe a better version to yourself! The best version; with no limitations.

18 going 30

I adore moving forward…!

There’s something so special in new beginnings. Starting over, or just begin, from scratch.

And life is full of new beginnings. Some come uninvited and you have to work with them so you can stay on the surface. And there are some other new beginnings that you make them happen!

So, time passes and things happen.

To be honest, I’m coming closer to my 30th birthday day by day, on the 2nd of February I will turn 30 years old. And it’s a pretty important and scary milestone. For some time now I have started thinking where I’ve been, where I am and where I want to go in life. Searching for answers and new ideas.

One of the things I realized is that sometimes you do have to go back in order to move forward. Such a cliché phrase, but so true!

I have started going back for my psychotherapy, but this a subject for an other “living with OCD” post. I have started going back in my early adult years to rethink aspects of my personality/life and to find inspiration for my work.

One of the greatest things I found there is the music. As a young adult I was very much into death metal, and similar quite hardcore stuff, and more. And lately I have lost touch with that kind of music and the albums I used to listen to a lot back then.

So, I started listening to that music, those songs.

What happened was that I could remember the feelings, the thoughts, so many things from that period. But, from a fresh point of view! I can realize the difference between who I was back then, and who I am now. I can feel the beauty of that music, I still find it beautiful. And maybe even more, after all a decade can do magic.

And along with all the above, that music sparked fresh (or well hidden) inspiration. And a bunch of reinvented feelings and ideas that need to be processed.

Well, my trip to the past has just begun. And it’s making my present better!