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Diary (#control)

You wouldn’t guess it (sarcasm), but part of having OCD is having control issues! I’m a control freak. Which is good when you’re the production manager of a short film (did that last spring, good times), but it’s not so good for myself in general.

And as I have opened the Pandora’s box of my life, I realize more and more how much I try to control everything. And why I have been doing it since forever.

So, I’m letting go!

I’m learning to accept that I have no control over most things. I’m learning to have the patience to wait for things to happen without getting crazy about it/them. I try to relax more in everyday life.

And you know what? I fucking love it!

Less rules, less responsibility, less remorse, less anxiety (all of them things I was causing to my own self basically). That weight of the world is of my chest. Step by step. But it feels so good.

And less overthinking as well! The bad side of it. Because there’s also the good one, the one that makes me do so many things, practise all these art mediums, be super productive. This side is still going strong.

But I’m learning to take a break!

And, this whole not-trying-to-control-everything project has one more amazing aspect. I used to be such a dreamer. A wild dreamer! You know, imagination, plus faith (not the religious type), plus pinches of romanticism, the combo makes a big dreamer. And this dreamer was kind of lost lately (lost gradually, during the last 5,6 years). And here it again, I can I’m becoming able to dream again! And feel this sweet feeling that some dreams may come true!

Now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve always wanted to become this kind of adult. The kind that can stand strong in society, but also being genuine and with her/his own live “microcosm” inside her/his mind (and not being deteriorated by the world).

Well, I see… There’s a bunch of beauty to be found when you’re letting go of control…. Nice!

Living with OCD (no.26)

Hurray!!!!

Less than a month left for my OCD medication!!

End of an era. An era of 2.5 years.

I love endings that are followed by beginnings! Something comes to an end, only for something else, new, fresh, exciting, to begin!

Apart from the work I did with myself (and I keep doing), my meds helped my brain find its chemical balance. But to be honest, I’m so happy that I won’t need them anymore. I’m excited about the things that will come, all the new found sensations/feelings/freedom. Going off them means that I have done very well so far. And this feels great!

I currently take one pill every next day. My obsessions and compulsions are under control and my mood is fine, except some grumpiness every now and then. And my sleep is getting kind of better!

My therapy is in progress, need more time to discover the why’s and the when’s, but I’m willing to go all the way, whatever I need to become a more free person and the best version of myself!

Seize the day! Yes 🎉😊

The final girl

I love the idea of the final girl in slasher/horror movies. I love its version in “You’re next”. I once did a quiz about the order in which I would die in a slasher/horror movie and my result was that I would be the final girl. I dressed up as a final girl for Halloween this year. And today, the 13th of November, a Tuesday, I realized that I am basically a final girl in real life.

This post is one of the extremely personal ones.

I have written about suicide in the past. And there’s a poem about it as well.

In case you don’t already know it, I have been there. In my teenage years I had slight thoughts of it. And when my then untreated OCD made me reach my limit, I had suicidal ideations. My mind told me how I would do it. My therapist one day told me I should have a list of people I would call if my thoughts were leading to actions (short version).

It never happened. I survived that period, it’s been two years now. Everything is going really well. Still in therapy, OCD under control, and less than a month left for my medication (wheeee!).

Today I had a session with my therapist. And she told me during our conversation something that entered my brain as an info, but took me a while to realize it. After the session, I went to the grocery store, had a trigger (everyday life for me), went home, pressed play on a Spotify playlist with slow instrumental music, started cleaning some things from the trigger, and………it hit me. I realized what she really told me!

She told me that the fact that I’m a fighter and have a great survival instinct, helped me to cope, helped me not to let myself go, helped me to fight.

That moment I realized that I survived my thoughts, I won, I was stronger than my brain. I’m alive and still here, because I am a fighter. I… won!!

Haha, it’s like I’m the final girl in real life. I have fought and keep fighting. And if I managed to win something like suicidal ideations and be happy and be here today, right now, I can do sooo many things! I can even live without OCD one day! (Maaagic!!)

All these thoughts burst into my mind, left aside my cleaning (OCD in pause), and well, let’s say I was crying and laughing, and crying, and crying, and saying to myself (out loud) “I won, I’m a fighter and I won!”, and laughing, and crying.

It was one of the greatest revelations I had during my 2+ years of therapy. And some kind of milestone for my life.

And writing these kind posts is not only for my sake (yes, it’s nice to tell your story to people who are willing to listen/read it), but most of all it’s the thought that one story, one post may help someone that’s going through a rough period.

Always remember, that you’re GOING THROUGH IT, it’s not forever. Things ARE GOING to get BETTER!

Living with OCD (no.25)

OCD is a bubble. And if you have it, you try to stay in there. Well you don’t really have much choice anyway.

Also, it’s a constant circle. Obsession, compulsion, obsession, compulsion, etc, etc.

And at some point there’s a thought: life without OCD.

Oh my, LIFE WITHOUT OCD!

At first it seems quite impossible, and then like a utopia, and then scary (very scary).

Because OCD is kind of a safe zone. You have it, you have control. It’s a comfort zone and you learn to live with it. Life without it can be full of uncertainty, and anxiety. And OCD is a way of coping with anxiety.

Then, you start having this idea, over and over. And you start getting more familiar with it.

A life without OCD.

It can be full of freedom. And more relaxing. And full of beautiful surprises!

It’s a dream, a plan, a goal, that takes a lot of work, tons of courage and your full self and energy.

But it’s worth it. You owe a better version to yourself! The best version; with no limitations.