Things are going well!
I’m not paying attention to so many triggers during the day, but still keeping my limits so I won’t freak out and relapse. And step by step I’m expanding those limits too!
But, I realized that I almost made a huge mistake.
Yes, I’m almost off my medication for my OCD and I’m reacting so well to the absence of it! I’m taking my pill every other day and the days without it feel so much better at this point (even through there were some tough ones before).
Yes, I’m working on paying less attention to my triggers and even when I’m doing a compulsion I do it as simple, casual, task, without obsessing about it too much, or giving it too much energy and thought.
Yes, I feel more relaxed, and many more things that I can’t put to words yet. After all I have been living with OCD my whole adult life and I basically don’t know life without it, I’m starting to get a glimpse of it now!
And here comes the “almost mistake”. For the last couple of days, that I’m spending with family in the house where I grew up, I’m exposing myself to triggers almost everyday, and my childhood room is a comfort zone of sorts, but not the same as my flat. So, I’m basically too exposed! And I’m doing fine, but…. I realized that even though I haven’t thought of it at first, still, my brain slows down a bit. In general, when there’s a trigger, it feels like my brain goes into a “numb” phase so it can process the problem/trigger. It usually takes a couple of minutes, but now with my “living with/out OCD project” it doesn’t feel so strong and it turns out that it’s so much difficult to reliaze it even happens!
But, yeah, my brain still goes on “numb mode”. Just a pinch of it, making it harder to concentrate and creating a weird feeling.
That’s the mistake I almost made! I almost underestimated my OCD. Yes, things are going great, but it’s still here, and I shouldn’t underestimate its power over my brain. Apart from that, we continue living life together and working towards a future with more freedom (for me)!
All my life…!
As it turns out, all my life I’ve been trying to control everything, my life, situations, relationships, my feelings. In a way, I was saying to myself what to feel. But I had control.
And now, I’m working towards a life without OCD (aka control issues big time 😄) and I’m letting go of control. Kind of a control freak in recovery.
It’s tough, requires so much energy/work/determination/discipline, but it’s totally worth it. The results don’t show immediately. It takes time.
And one of the worst things to set free it’s the feelings. It creates such a wobbly sensation. The positive feelings are great, but then there are the negative ones that make me feel unconfortable. And they don’t go away so easily some times.
But as I said, it takes a lot of work amd it’s worth it.
Girl learning how to live the best way possible here!