Living with/out OCD (no.9)

All the things that seem like nothing to you, but feel like everything to me.

All the things that seem so simple to you, but feel so complex to me.

All the things that seem so unimportant to you, but feel like climbing a mountaintop to me.

There are moments when I’m so jealous of all the other people, the ones without OCD. And when these few moments come, I’m jealous of one particular thing: how “normal” people go through their everyday tasks easily, smoothly.

Having OCD means that your everyday life is full of rules, obsessions and compulsions that your mind sets. There are so many things in everyday life that are anything but simple.

I have become friends with my OCD (and currently working on becoming close friends with my own mind), but still I get tired sometimes.

Sometimes seems so relaxing that you don’t HAVE TO have a shower before going to bed. In my world I have to take a shower each single night before bed, after spending a day being careful where I step amd where I sit and what I touch. It’s not like I have an option. Mind says I must, I do.

And there are these other days, rare gems, when for some reason (usually a combo of not being at home, having a sleep over at a friend’s or something, and being in a good day for my OCD, etc) I “break” the compulsion.

But, even though I take this “break”, it doesn’t come easy. It comes along with a pinch of anxiety and an “off feeling”.

And then comes a pleasant feeling: it feels like I’ve reached the greatest mountaintop in the world! Like I achieved something extremely special and hard.

And if you think about it… all the rough times I go through with my OCD, I do accomplish something great, for real!

And some final thoughts…

For all of you that don’t have OCD: I kind of admire your life sometimes, all the small things that stay small for you.

For all of you that live with it: I know how hard it is, keep up the good work and celebrate the “small victories” , that are basically not so small.

And as for me, this is a good day, full of triggers I have taken in as less of a trigger, and tonight I’m not going to have a shower. Nothing bad is going to happen if I don’t, so I’m going for it!

Living with/out OCD (no.8)

I remember that back in autumn, when I started taking a reduced dose of my antidepressants, one of the main…let’s say symptoms, was the crying. Too many emotions, too much crying.

Now that I’m off, I’m going through the second round. Wheee! Not.

For the past few days my brain reacts like this:

  • Hearing bad news… crying!
  • Hearing good news… crying!
  • Thinking of something I’m afraid… crying!
  • Feeling sad about a certain thing… crying!
  • No particular reason… crying!
  • Having too many things to do… crying!
  • Feeling something pleasant… crying!
  • Feeling something intense… crying!
  • Maybe even feeling in general… crying!
  • Watching/seeing something beautiful… crying!
  • “Oh, look how far you’ve come with handling your triggers”… crying!

My brain misses its extra serotonin so much, but I won’t back down, even if I have to cry many rivers!

Till next post 😭🎊

Living with/out OCD (no.7)

The antidepressants are off.

The therapy is ongoing.

Big good things have happened (starting a relationship).

Bad things have happened (changes in everyday life, the health of my grandmother next door has worsen).

My “life without OCD” is on pause, because there are so many data/feelings/new situations that need to be processed by my brain. And for about a little more than a week now, all this has to be done without any help of pharmaceutical help, which basically means more work for me.

And menstrual hormones are sprinkles on top of this cake!

Well, when I tapered my medication I started realizing it effects. It’s a procedure to start over with a lesser dose. And now that they’re completely off, it’s a procedure to start over without any meds.

You see, I find this the most important thing to keep in mind: when you’re going off your antidepressants (reminders: I was on mine for my OCD/ we should never stop taking our meds without our doctor’s advice) you should keep in mind in all times that your brain needs time to adapt to the new situation. Well, it can get a bit tough at times.

At least my sweet brain has opened closed boxes. I guess there are things left to be processed inside those boxes. Or it’s just my brain wanting to see how it feels without the meds to keep the balance.

Here we go again, process/think/live through it solve. And again. And again.

Two & a half (years)!

Two and a half years. For two and a half years I was on antidepressants. Today, it’s the day that I’m officially off my meds!

(And yeah, I bought my version of a mini cake and I blew out two and a half candles!)

Apart from therapy and a huge amount of work with myself, meds helped me through the last years. For the past two months I have been tampering my medication (doctor’s orders – always!).

Now it’s the end of an era.

I’m still in therapy and I definitely still have OCD, but I can handle things without medication now. My brain is going to need some time to adjust to the absence of that extra sertaline, but we’re doing fine so far (myself and my brain).

P.S. A memo: This is a post about my experience with OCD, mental health and medication. Each story is different. It’s amazing to have a public dialog about mental health, but always follow your doctor’s instructions. You’re all brave and amazing ❤️