For the past couple of years, I have become (some kind of) friends with my OCD. I don’t go against it and we work together.
I’m basically keeping a balance. For example, if a trigger appears, I try to keep my cool and think which is the best way to get over it, I try not to go full compulsive and do as few compulsions as possible. And this system is working pretty good.
For me this is a reconciliation. It’s OCD, it’s here, it has been here for more than a decade, so working alongside it it’s a very good idea.
And here comes the “but”!
Living with an anxiety disorder can be very compounding, for the mind, the body, the life, the person having it. Everyday life is much more tiring when you have to keep whole lists and a ton of checks in your mind. When you have to be careful even about what you touch inside your own house. And in case you’re someone like me, that never gives up, it’s even more tiring. I like to push myself and don’t let my mind taking control. I always try to keep up with my life no matter the OCD, in the best way possible.
But there are moments that I’m getting tired and I’m thinking that life would be much easier without the OCD. These moments have become very frequent for the past couple of weeks.
I’m imagining a life where you don’t have to have a shower before bed, using furniture and objects without first checking if they’re “clean” (sometimes the OCD-clean it’s a different kind than the normal clean, but that’s a story for another post), etc.
I don’t know where this is going to lead, being in therapy is a journey with a lot of unknown paths. For now, this is the fact: I’m tired of life with OCD.
Since I was a little I was thinking of my teddy bears as some kind of creatures. I didn’t want them to be on the floor, face down, etc. I was treating them like they had a soul and heart (it sound a bit weird now that I see it in words, but I guess I’m not the only one who was treating her/his teddies like that).
The same thing happens with my loofahs with animals attached to them. So, I tend to keep older loofahs as decor in the bathroom. But while decluttering I decided it was time for them to go. They served me well and it was time for them to move on (so did I).
I do love this photo, all the colors and shapes!
I think I need something fresh.
I have written so much about my OCD and mental health, but I feel the need of making some changes, refreshing a bit.
My OCD is evolving as fast as life does after all. My belief that each one of us should tell his/her personal story is stil here. One step at a time more awareness can be created.
Here I am; I have spent 13 years with it (unofficially), with only 3 years out of them being officially diagnosed. I live with it, I have created patterns, tricks, some kind of program so I can be functional. But one great truth is that living with OCD is never easy. In my case, an outsider might look at someone who’s figuring things out just fine, when in reality it takes so much energy to keep up with life sometimes.
Yes, I know that so many people, even without OCD have to deal with life. But imagine having to deal with it all and add to this a mind that’s constantly thinking, that constantly needs reassurance, that has to do certain things a certain way (always) and gets irritated and super uncomfortable if things don’t go as planned. It can get absolutely exhausting.
Well, this one is going pretty melodramatic already, so let me continue with some more positive stuff.
I never gave up, I never accepted my OCD and just sat down and waited for the next order from my brain. Yes, things have changed since my diagnosis, there are always ups and downs, but one very important thing is that I never gave up!
In this phase of my life my goal is to have a more relaxed and maybe OCD-free life in the future (long story short), a goal that has many many aspects.
So, I’m going to continue my “Living with OCD” and “Living with-out OCD” series of posts, but with a fresh attitude!