Not enough (a poem)

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Living with OCD (no.22)

Things that can stress you out/be a trigger when you have an anxiety disorder like OCD:

  • Getting out of the house (so many stressers probably waiting to happen).
  • Reading the news (a bunch of stressers).
  • Doing an everyday task like having a bath (there’s a ritual even for simple things, that eventually makes them not so simple).
  • Moving from one room of the house to another (yes, there can be triggers even inside your own house).
  • Getting on a bus/public transport (enough said).
  • Going to sleep (one more night of anxiety dreams and nightmares, wheee).
  • Not having a schedule (yes, last minute plans and not fixed appointments are….not preferable).
  • Watching/hearing something that’s straight related to your specific triggers/stressers.
  • Having too much sugar.
  • Having too much caffeine.
  • Being too tired (as I like to say, “don’t listen to your brain when you’re tired, it speaks nonsense”).
  • Do laundry (be clean yourself, touch the freshly washed clothes with super clean hands, etc, etc).
  • Other really anxious people (in reality people with anxiety try to keep their environment calm, because they’re mind is already messy).
  • Shouts, nerves and all these high energy behaviors of others that can make you more anxious.
  • Not being able to avoid a trigger.
  • The reminder of a trigger.
  • Having to make a call (if you’re someone who doesn’t like speaking on the phone).
  • Waking up (yes it’s exciting that a new day begins, but a list of rituals/compulsions/to dos begins as well).
  • Even the thought of some things/situations.
  • The constant question of whether an object is clear or not.

The spirits in the horror films

I used to be totally not able to see a horror film. Until I started taking antidepressants for my OCD, and my fears and phobias were minimized. So, I started watching horror films and for the past year or so I have seen plenty!

Watching one right now, with spirits and stuff, I started thinking…. why does the horror has always to do with death, and spirits, and angry souls, and devil?!

Well, I speak as someone who’s an atheist, I don’t believe in god and I don’t believe in devil either. But I do believe in humanity and in the human brain and psychosynthesis.

I believe that the human nature is full of interesting aspects, tons of good, but there can also be problems/anomalies, for me all these are about the brain and mental health, or other kind of physical problems that can cause malfunctions in the brain. Sometimes all these can make people do bad things. It’s all about the brain, the brain makes the human body work and people acting.

So why do we have to believe that the bad/dark things that happen and people do are devil’s doing, or some man’s that is now dead and wants revenge?

It’s all in this world, acts of good and acts of bad (even if we call them “evil” they’re part of the human nature).

Horror stories have been around for centuries, and apart from making our adrenaline levels increasing, maybe it’s a way for people to explain things that they don’t want to except that are part of who we are….

Athens

My mama was born and grew up in Athens, Greece. And even though she then got married and left for another part of Greece, I always thought of Athens as my hometown, one of two.

As long as I can remember myself, Athens was part of our holidays. The bus ride there, and the later years the car rides there. The sounds of the light traffic at night (I was growing up in the middle of nature so it was something different), the city sounds. The places we were going, the shops, the playground inside one very big park, the big cinemas.

Later on, at 17, I started studying cinema in Athens. I knew from the beginning that I wasn’t going to live permanently at my parent’s home again.

Good things, and bad things, and everyday life happened for the next 11 years, up until now. I have reached a point in my life that Athens is home for me. My parent’s home is the home where I grew up, but Athens is HOME. It’s a feeling that can’t be put in exact words, just that “it feels/is home” (not “like”).

And part of that feeling is that in moments like this one, that I’m just relaxing on my balcony, I can notice the same things that my 6 or 9 year old self was noticing: the city sounds, the life, the summer night in Athens!