“Soul decay” (a poem) 

It’s been quite some time since the last time I posted a poem (practically about a year, back then the “microcosm” was at a different address).

So, here’s a new one!

I wanted it to be of free (almost abstract) form. A comment about all those moments that you lose your faith in humanity and life…. 

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Living with OCD (no.5)

ocd

Since the first session I had with my therapist, she noticed that apart from the problems that were created by my OCD, it also helped me in my life, to have a system, to create. In the past, before going into therapy, I had similar thoughts. 

Back then I only believed I might have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Having all the compulsions in my daily life, sometimes I was thinking “what I would do if they would go away at some point, I was used to them, living with them”.

So, my therapist was right. And, from the start, the plan of my therapy was to keep a part of my compulsions. I ended up cooperating with my disorder, and this really helps me. 

I’ve found an ideal place of cooperation with my OCD, while trying (daily) to overcome, little by little, my obsessions and compulsions. 

At this point I’ve managed to have two or three mini-victories over my anxiety, daily. I have started feeling “normal” (having an OCD-free daily life), a feeling that I basically never knew, since I I’ve had OCD my whole adult life. 
Living with OCD, but by having it under control… and cooperation is the key. 

Τime, plus….. 


It’s been a while (one month and a half).

Well, life happens. And it takes time to turn things into words. Yes it does.

If someone asked me right now what happened in my life the last year and a half I would answer “Life”. And life goes hand by hand with time.

This year and a half…. I thought it was time to go, and then it was time to fight for all the time I had lost, and then life told me “you know, it’s time to grow up”, and I did, and then time kept testing me for a while, and I passed all the tests, “time will tell” they say (and time did tell), and now….

Now I keep learning about time. It goes only one way, and you adapt to survive or you end up swirling in time, but if you go with the flow of minutes passing, you can be free; to swim through time, until the end of it. 

Becoming an adult

I still remember looking at adults around me, back when I was a kid or teen. They seemed to be able to make things happen, being capable of solving everyday problems. In my eyes seemed like some kind of magic! 

And basically, when I turned eighteen and officially became an adult myself, things didn’t change much for me. 

Well, it’s been sometime since then, ten years to be exact. Ten years of minor experiences, major/life changing experiences, change of opinions, neurological evolution that comes “with age”, memories that keep spending time with me, fresh everyday memories, joy (a lot of it), sadness (a lot of it as well), problems, the solution of them, highs, very highs, lows, really really lows, etc. 

What passed through these 10 years can be summed up in one word I believe: life. 

Growing up as an adult, maturing, living, made me realize that there’s no magic, the way I thought it existed. Adults don’t heve a magical way to deal with things! They only learn how to live. I’m learning how to live. And it’s very useful to have an open mind through this procedure that practically lasts for decades.

Oh, and by the way, some of the most recent conclusions I came to are the following:

  • Many times life is the balance between breathing and death. 
  • In life,  basically, you can control only a few things. 
  • During your lifetime, you should learn your limits, respect them, show to others how to respect them as well (always talking about your own limits) and work on expanding them. 
  • Much needed things: work and persistence. 
  • A very important thing: perspective.

Well, these are the basic thoughts I have about maturing, life, adulthood, these days! 

To be continued (because I need to do my grocery shopping too, what can you do, adult life….!)…. 

Too close to home

These past months two musicians have committed suicide, due to mental health problems. The news hit too close to home both times, so I decided that it was time to write about it. 

Well, I have been there, not too long ago. About one year ago, after years of untreated OCD, my mind got really tired and started giving me suicidal thoughts. They were coming when I was really stressed, or even out of the blue. Believe me, when your mind tells you even the way you could try and kill yourself is one of the weirdest moments of your life. 

The one thing you MUST do when these thoughts come, is ask for help from a psychologist/psychiatrist! With the help of an expert you see things how they really are. Suicidal thoughts is your mind talking nonsense, your mind being tired of certain problems, your mind trying to cope with untreated mental health issues. Killing yourself is never the answer! 

Many people may say that “you cannot do this to your family”, but I say that YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF. In life, hard times always appear and (mental) health isssues appear as well, but there are doctors and experts for it, to help you cope and get healthy, fight, survive and move on from bad times. 

Each individual has hers/his burden/past/memories, but there’s nothing you cannot deal with eventually. It just takes help, time and willpower. But it’s all worth it. Because you cannot lose life, all the happy times that are going to come, all the love, the people, the nice things, the moments, the everyday things, everything, because your mind told you so at some point. 

Suicidal thoughts are about problems with your mental health, and though it’s still some kind of taboo (in 2017), mental health is still HEALTH. When you get psychically sick you go to the doctor, it’s the same thing with mental health, your mind gets sick and you need to go to the doctor. After all, your body works because of your mind/brain! 

So, don’t ever give up, if you have suicidal thoughts it might seem logical to turn them into action. But it’s not! In the end of the tunnel you’re into there is light, there is life, there are good things you can’t even imagine right now. Difficult times definitely come in life, but definitely go as well. And you must be breathing to meet them! 

Trust me, because I’m a suicidal thoughts survivor!