Life as it is

Yeah, life isn’t always easy, and sometimes bad things come in groups. In the past year, since last May to be exact, many things have happened. 
I was diagnosed with O.C.D., after almost ten years from the first signs of it. This O.C.D. brought me to a breaking point and caused me depression and suicidal thoughts. I started therapy and taking meds. After a couple of months, a big part of the factory where my mom amd brother were working was burnt. My brother who was working in production stopped working, but my mom continued working in the offices of the factory. But, since I don’t have a day job, I had to go back to my parent’s house for some months. A couple of weeks after the fire, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She did chemo and these days she’s going into surgery. Thankfully her cancer is treatable. And, last weekend my father almost died from kidney failure. He survived and is going on dialysis, probably for the rest of his life. 

It’s so funny, that as I’m writing and reading the last lines all these seem so surreal! Yes, bad things happen all together sometimes, this is a fact. But, the difference is made from the way each person decides to react and act to things. 

Personally, I prefer fighting. I say that “when life gives you the middle finger, you give her the middle finger back”. I’m a fighter, and I try to make even the worst things work in the best way possible (a kind of positive thinking, but more of a way of working with things, so I can get something positive out of them). 

In the last year of my life, many things (some of them really bad) have happened. BUT,… my mom’s cancer is treatable, my O.C.D. is going well, I’m doing great with psychotherapy, and most importantly I can now say that I’m learning to live. 

Really live, not just going through every day. But, becoming a better and stronger human, becoming better friends with myself, taking control of my life and learning what really matters in life. 

Even in the worst situations, there’s always something good you can dig up! 

Just life 

Lately, I think a lot about the “microcosm”. How it has changed over the years and especially how it has changed over the last months. 
Yeah, since it’s basically a personal blog, it makes total sense to change with time, exactly like life does! But, sometimes, I’m thinking if someone takes a look at the posts… is he/she going to understand what the blog is about?! 

So, I thought of writing a few words about… life right now. 

I’m a 28 year old artist, living in a colorful house (it’s an apartment, but I like the word “home”), in Athens (Greece). 

I’m practicing many forms of art (trying to make a career out of them and looking for a day job in the same time). I have three brands (one with colorful/ bohemian handmade jewelry, one with psychobilly/ macabre inspired handmade jewelry and one with my original artwork). I’m a photographer, and a crafter. I’m practicing, so I can do performance art someday.

I have ocd (I’m doing really well lately). And my mother has cancer (she’s doing well and she’s going to do even better).

So, the “microcosm” has every aspect of my life in its posts. 

I hope you like the variety! 

People are complicated and life is too! 

 

Emotional abuse (a song by Horrorpops & a reality) 

In the “microcosm” I like talking about tough subjects sometimes, but I always put some sprinkle over them. Not to make them look prettier, but just because I have a positive way of thinking about things. 

But, for this post, will be a little different, a little more… raw. So, here it goes… 

What’s the first thing that comes in your mind when you think about abuse? Maybe abuse against children? Or maybe a wife with a black eye that “accidentally fell off the stairs”? 

Yes, there are physical signs of abuse, but there is also emotional abuse. One that’s kept beneath the surface and sometimes it’s difficult even for the person that’s being abused to realize it. And many times it happens inside romantic relationships. 

I have been there, I have lived within it, I have survived, I have seen the positive side and recently its true colors/aftermath. 

I once met a boy, through a friend. And he seemed nice. I fell in love with him. We became an item. And I remember feeling so lucky that I have found a good one. 
He seemed sweet, sensitive and quite charming. All his friends loved him. He was always smiling…., especially when others were around. 

Well, the pure reality was quite different:

  • He was talking too much about his ex-girlfriend and saying mainly bad things about her, of course! 
  • He was creating arguments and scenes almost every day and especially after I had fun. 
  • He was never happy and always having a reason to complain about something or someone. 
  • He was turning conversations in such a way, so I would end up expressing my feelings to him (which was kind of forced of course, because I’m a person that needs some time to express feelings). 
  • He was extremely jealous, just by the idea that a man might look at me. 
  • He was making comments about how much I like taking care of myself and going out for walks or shopping. 
  • He didn’t want me to meet his friends. 
  • He wanted us to be all the time together.
  • Every time he was doing something wrong, he managed to turn the argument about something I supposedly did wrong. 
  • He was acting completely different in every environment (with friends, with his family, with my friends, but when we were alone it was always the worst version). 

These are some of the things that he did. 

I still remember one day that I was laughing on a video on YouTube and he said to me “Are you done?!”. I still remember that I was crying about 4 to 5 times a week. I still remember the night that I had such a great sense of danger after a fight that we had. For the story, he broke up with me, which was actually a good thing, because I don’t know when I would have managed to decide to leave. 

I still remember many things, but I have admitted to myself that I have  been in an abusive relationship and made peace with that fact, with the past, and with myself. I survived. And it wasn’t easy to return to my happy place. But I fought and created a new version of myself and my happy place, because of course the experience changed me forever, but for the best. 

The main reason for writing this post is to put a little, tiny, rock in the mountain that’s called awarness. 

Abuse is still a big taboo for our society. And though I take the responsibility for my choices, I wish that there was even one person back then that would tell me that “you know, these things are not normal, not at all, this is some kind of abuse”. I wish I have heard this from someone, and not that I was in a bad relationship, or that we weren’t a match. No! I was in an abusive relationship. That was it, that’s the reality. 

So, I’m  doing what I would like someone else to have done for me. Talking to everyone else out there… 

I’m saying that if you have a bad feeling about your relationship and the person that you’re with, chances are that it’s your instinct talking to you. If something feels really wrong, you should get out. What you’re feeling is not love. It’s just not love, love is a good thing. Abuse isn’t. Talk to others and most of all trust yourself and what your gut tells you. Trust yourself because you deserve to be loved properly and in a good, healthy, way! 

And in case you’re not in such a relationship, but know someone that is in a emotionally  or physically abusive relationship, act and help that person in every way you can, so she/he can get out of it. 

Because, abuse in relationships is here and it’s real, even its emotional version! 

P.S. Here’s the song I’m talking about in the title of the post: https://youtu.be/kDqDPp29nAE. 

Movement

Move. 

Moving. 

Movement. 

Movement is an action,  a type of evolution. You move from one home to another,  you move between people (literally and metaphorically),  you move on, or you don’t…. 

Life is full of moves and actions. Air,  the sun, the earth, time. 

I usually find the  idea of movement a good and positive thing. But, there are other times that isn’t one of the greatest things; when you have to move away from something, or towards something you don’t really want to….