Living with OCD (no.7)

This one is “just” a photo. I was relaxing at home, listening to music, waking around when at some point, while I was standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom I thought “I should sit down on the floor”.

I ended up sitting with my back on the bathtub. Yes, the next thing I was going to do after my music session was to have a bath (I would have anyway). But sitting there for a couple of songs, pretty calm, next to the toilet was a big step.

Living with OCD and working on more freedom!


Living with OCD (no.6)

The first signs of my obsessive compulsive actions started when I was 17 years old. I started obsessing about my personal hygiene. I couldn’t go to bed at night if I haven’t had a shower. It sounds normal but it’s only one example and there’s this phrase “must do” that its crucial about ocd.

So, I practically suffer from ocd since then. I have been suffering from ocd my whole adult life ( I’ll be 29 on February).
I don’t like the word “suffering” or “sufferer”, because I have reached a point where I’m in control of my anxiety. But it wasn’t always like this. I have been through years of cleaning, of stuck thoughts inside my mind, of panic attacks, of moments (when I had a trigger) frozen in time. Ocd is like a cage, or a transparent box, your mind keeps you there. Until one day… it can’t take it anymore. Too much anxiety. Too many “must dos”. Too many thoughts. Too many “dangers”. I’ve had that day.
And recently I had the day opposite to that one.
I have been living in peace with my disorder for more than a year, making progress all the time. My goal is to be able to control it forever, not getting over it. One of these days I sat on a taxi seat with stains, it was clean, but the fabric had stains. This one is a HUGE trigger for me. The magic happened when my mind was totally cool about it. I wasn’t fully stressed, just a little bit. I was very cautious after that, being careful of where I will sit, what I’ll touch, I was looking forward for my shower time. BUT, there was this new feeling of some kind of freedom. I had a huge trigger and I wasn’t falling apart, my mind was working it out calmly.
It was a moment of revelation, a sneak peak of the freedom that “normal” people, that don’t suffer from ocd, have! And it was overwhelming, I was close to tears of joy, because I don’t really know how it’s life without ocd. But, I’m getting a bit of its taste now; I’m getting to know life without  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder controlling  my existence! 

Embracing (the outside) 

Yesterday I noticed  the “I have embraced” hashtag on social media. I’m in a procedure of embracing who I really am for many months now, so I immediately wrote it down for future use!

So, this morning I was looking at the mirror my so naturally full hair. Since I was little I loved all those bob haircuts that created a sleek hair effect. I have too much hair, so my hair always looked closer to a lion, than a sleek look. But, I have embraced that, and even being proud of it now. Well, I was born with a great quantity of hair, while other people don’t have that. Many women have to add extensions and other trinkets to their hair, so it looks full or in order to create a special hairstyle. I can just do it with my natural hair. 

And one more thing that I think helped in this embracing is all the months I passed next to my mama, while she was in chemo, while she was recovering from her surgery. (I offered to cut some of mine for her, to create a natural wig, but it was too expensive,but I’m planning of donating some of my hair sometime). 
Next thing I thought of as I was looking at the mirror was the mole I have close to my chin. I actually have a couple of them around my face. Since I was little I remember thinking that my moles were the first thing someone noticed when they looked at me. Maybe it was, maybe it is, I don’t know really know. But I’ve always been a fan of embracing yourself, so some thoughts of a future removal never became a reality. 

I’m not 100% cool with them yet, but. I’m really close to it! (Yeah, I used to think that my nose was too big too, but it’s ok after all. A close selfie isn’t doing it justice).

Then, one big thing is the rest of my body. I used to be really really (naturally) thin. Until a couple of years ago, I used to be a size 36 in jeans. I don’t wear jeans anymore, I prefer dresses (a style thing, not a body conscience thing), but I think I would be a 42 or 44 now. 

I started gaining weight a few years ago, been through diets, etc. But for the last year and a half that I’m in therapy for my anxiety, I thought that as well as I’m embracing my inner self, I should embrace my outer self as well! 

Plus, I realized a couple of things while watching my mama going through her cancer period, the sickness, all the times she couldn’t eat, etc. Life is too short after all, to be on a diet. And for what?! A role model that some people decided on your behalf? No, thanks. 

Now, I usually wear a size L and it’s ok. I spent months of takeout food, because I was too tired of cooking something other than what my mom needed to eat. So, I see my body now as some kind of medal for all we’ve been through and won!

I have bought many new clothes, because most of the old ones didn’t fit. I stopped caring about the number on the tag, as much as I did in the beginning. 

I love my body, my body type (thin upper part and wider lower part),  my mind and life! 

“The werewolf rises” (a poem) 

This one is special!

It’s the second year I participate in #mabsdrawlloweenclub, an art challenge that is hosted by Mab Graves. For each day of October, there is a Halloween-inspired theme and artists from all around the world create a piece of art (all forms of art are accepted) according to theme!

I use a variety of forms for my art, so I combine them all, one day I might draw something or another I might write a poem (like today!).

I love the way this challenge brings so many artists together and the fact that people like me, can use the different mediums they already use!

Let’s have a happy/creative/creepy October!!

The world we live in

Woke up really early today. And my mind woke up too, so couldn’t fall asleep again. I started going through Facebook posts. 

First,  I ended up watching a video about an Auschwitz survivor that managed to forgive the doctors that took part in the killings and the experiments there. Everything that Hitler and his people did is unthinkable and monstrous. And the sadest thing of all is that today, there are still people who believe in his philosophy, his opinions, who hate, who prefer turning against others who are different than them. 

Then, I continued reading an article about the American student who was imprisoned in North Korea and then died. Well, North Korea is definitely one of the places that seems unthinkable that exists in 2017, but another thing about this story that keeps bothering me is why did this student had to steal something from a state known for its cruelty.

The third post I came across (and stayed to study it) was about rape victims and reactions and words by people and police, that they had to deal with. Rape is not the fault of the victim, doesn’t have to do with the clothes you’re wearing, when you say no you mean it; it’s not a game to excite the other person. The shame that follows rape victims makes me so angry every time I think about it!

So, this is how my day started. And I started thinking “in what kind of world do we live in?!”.

There’s so much hate and violence and need for power, ruling the world for decades now…! And all these still going strong and probably will continue to do so…

My second question is “what can we do for this?!”. 

Living with OCD (no.5)


Since the first session I had with my therapist, she noticed that apart from the problems that were created by my OCD, it also helped me in my life, to have a system, to create. In the past, before going into therapy, I had similar thoughts. 

Back then I only believed I might have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Having all the compulsions in my daily life, sometimes I was thinking “what I would do if they would go away at some point, I was used to them, living with them”.

So, my therapist was right. And, from the start, the plan of my therapy was to keep a part of my compulsions. I ended up cooperating with my disorder, and this really helps me. 

I’ve found an ideal place of cooperation with my OCD, while trying (daily) to overcome, little by little, my obsessions and compulsions. 

At this point I’ve managed to have two or three mini-victories over my anxiety, daily. I have started feeling “normal” (having an OCD-free daily life), a feeling that I basically never knew, since I I’ve had OCD my whole adult life. 
Living with OCD, but by having it under control… and cooperation is the key.