Life with OCD

I think I need something fresh.

I have written so much about my OCD and mental health, but I feel the need of making some changes, refreshing a bit.

My OCD is evolving as fast as life does after all. My belief that each one of us should tell his/her personal story is stil here. One step at a time more awareness can be created.

Here I am; I have spent 13 years with it (unofficially), with only 3 years out of them being officially diagnosed. I live with it, I have created patterns, tricks, some kind of program so I can be functional. But one great truth is that living with OCD is never easy. In my case, an outsider might look at someone who’s figuring things out just fine, when in reality it takes so much energy to keep up with life sometimes.

Yes, I know that so many people, even without OCD have to deal with life. But imagine having to deal with it all and add to this a mind that’s constantly thinking, that constantly needs reassurance, that has to do certain things a certain way (always) and gets irritated and super uncomfortable if things don’t go as planned. It can get absolutely exhausting.

Well, this one is going pretty melodramatic already, so let me continue with some more positive stuff.

I never gave up, I never accepted my OCD and just sat down and waited for the next order from my brain. Yes, things have changed since my diagnosis, there are always ups and downs, but one very important thing is that I never gave up!

In this phase of my life my goal is to have a more relaxed and maybe OCD-free life in the future (long story short), a goal that has many many aspects.

So, I’m going to continue my “Living with OCD” and “Living with-out OCD” series of posts, but with a fresh attitude!

Advertisements

The declutter project

I love my apartment.

Which actually serves as an art studio as well for the past few years.

But the thing is that I have lived 13 years in my apartment; all these years while having OCD.

I like keeping things, but I am not a hoarder, even thought I can seem like one. My problem is that my home is full of triggers, many of which I didn’t hve the courage to deal with up until now. And even if I dealt with some of them, new ones came in.

I decided that it is time to fully declutter my home/art studio! Wheeee!

The biggest issue is the clothing, I wear everything only once amd then I have to wash it. Also, I have to wash everything that’s getting triggered (bags, shoes, etc, etc). As you cam imagine there are quite a few piles of clothes.

So, yesterday I started the process of decluttering clothes, objects, accessories, shoes, things I don’t usually a lot, art supplies, everything!

And for the things that are sentimental for me, that have a stpry behind them and I want to let them go but it’s hard, I decided to tell a short story about them. I am going to take a photo of them and tell their story in a post.

Stay tuned and pardon me, I have to go and continue decluttering 😊

Diary

Summer of 2019 started with my need for rest and relaxation. So, I decided to spend a big part of it with my family, in the house where I grew up.

Well, let me tell you that didn’t go as I have planned. I realized a couple of important things about my family (and the way certain things have eventually effected me), my OCD and I did a lot of work with my art. Hadn’t planned any of it. But things came that way. And in the end I think that in reality I was in the right place at the right time.

So, I have many things to deal with, the project of “living with/out OCD” still in progress, a lot of new artwork done and inspiration to help me create even more.

Tomorrow, I will be back home. And the first thing I’m going to do is a super decluttering! I live in a small flat that’s both home and art studio. I’m definitely a maximalist, and I have many corners/objects that are considered a trigger for my OCD and I keep avoiding cleaning them. And now it feel like such a good timing to do so.

A super decluttering is on the way!

And a new beginnings already happening!

Reinventing happiness: Mac & cheese

For the past few years I have been through some difficult times (disease in the family, mental health issues, etc, etc). All these eventually left me lacking happiness.

It’s not only hard for me to feel happy nowadays, it’s almost impossible. No, I don’t have depression (but I do have OCD). I feel something like happiness, but it isn’t it!

After a lot of thought with myself and conversations with my therapist, I decided what my next step would be.

Reprogramming my brain so it can feel happiness, in some way reinventing it.

Paying attention to small things I like, looking in the past and in the present, giving myself tasks, trying new things.

I’m going to document all these here, starting from something quite simple: a dish (ok, I had 1.5 dishes) of mac and cheese!

And here’s a selfie after having a very good mac and cheese….

Happy!

Living with/out OCD (no.13)

To be honest, the title of this series of posts feels a little bit off lately. I started working towards a life without OCD a few months before I stopped my medication (details about it in previous posts). Since the period I stopped my sertaline things have been… difficult. But lately, I have been feeling much better.

The only “leftover” is the increased anxiety levels. For almost three years my brain was used to getting its daily dose of sertaline and I had managed to create a balance in order to be functional.

And now, I’m in the process of reorganizing that balance, with a meds-free brain. I’m researching for ideas to decrease my anxiety.

The process, and all the tons of anxiety I’m going through lately, remind me of a dream I used to have since I was a kid. It was one of those that are closer to a nightmare than a dream.

I was in a car, I was driving (even though I didn’t know how to), I had to find the right way to go and then I couldn’t stop the car.

Now, I see my anxiety as that car. I have to learn how to handle it under the current circumstances and manage to go forward.

OCD Facebook groups (a no)

So, I thought of becoming a member of an OCD oriented Facebook group. And I did so!

I thought it would be interesting to read about other people’s stories and share mine. To connect with people that go through their everyday lives with OCD, like I do. Sharing opinions and ideas is always interesting. And as you can see from this blog I think it’s very important for people to share their stories, create awareness and maybe help others by showing how important it is to get proper help when dealing with mental health issues.

I found a pretty popular group and I joined; for two days.

I expected a platform of people who deal with (anxiety and) OCD, who deal with it and work with it and themselves. What I found was so different!

  • So, many people not getting proper professional help for their mental health problems. (I know it isn’t always easy to pay for therapy, but if you really want to, you can find a way to get help somehow).

Having a mental health issue, and not getting treatment for it is so bad. I have been there, and I wish I had gotten help much earlier. You practically don’t know what you have/ how to deal with whatever you have/ what kind of therapy/treatment to get. You have a struggling mind with no support. So, so bad.

  • Many people practically asking for diagnosis and help.

Internet is very helpful sometimes, but asking for help from strangers is such a bad idea! It’s one thing people sharing their stories and tips maybe, and another to ask non-professionals to tell you how to treat a mental health disorder (for which you don’t have a proper diagnosis).

  • An over-exposure to anxiety.

Well, having anxiety/an anxiety disorder is like having a crowd popping thoughts inside your brain 24/7. And that’s only you. So, I believe that being exposed in the similar situation of dozens of others, on a daily basis, makes you even more stressed and helps that cycle that’s called OCD gloriously keep going.

  • Many times people confusing character and disorder.

We should know and never forget that each one of us that has a mental health disorder, has a personality as well, and the two are totally different. We are not our disorder. And not everything that we do/deal with/think/feel is about OCD.

These are the three things that made me leave the group after only two days. I reached the conclusion that I didn’t like the whole thing and that it was potentially bad for all the other members.

Of course, there were a few people that were more collected, knew about OCD, were diagnosed and were dealing with it in the best way possible, but the main feeling of the group was all the above in the list.

I still believe that is important to tell your story, and create awareness, while in the same time dealing with it with its ups and its downs, but I guess a more structured platform would be better. Maybe a place created by mental health professionals who would be able to keep control of everything and truly help people.

And always keeping in mind, and reminding the readers, that myself (and more people out there) are not mental health specialists, but want to share our story and opinions about OCD. So that more and more people understand that it’s here, it’s real, and it’s part of our lives.

And that the best thing to do if you have any mental health issues is to get proper help, have therapy and let a therapist/psychiatrist help you solve your personal problem (it’s different for each one of us and needs to be treated differently).