Not enough (a poem)

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Living with OCD (no.22)

Things that can stress you out/be a trigger when you have an anxiety disorder like OCD:

  • Getting out of the house (so many stressers probably waiting to happen).
  • Reading the news (a bunch of stressers).
  • Doing an everyday task like having a bath (there’s a ritual even for simple things, that eventually makes them not so simple).
  • Moving from one room of the house to another (yes, there can be triggers even inside your own house).
  • Getting on a bus/public transport (enough said).
  • Going to sleep (one more night of anxiety dreams and nightmares, wheee).
  • Not having a schedule (yes, last minute plans and not fixed appointments are….not preferable).
  • Watching/hearing something that’s straight related to your specific triggers/stressers.
  • Having too much sugar.
  • Having too much caffeine.
  • Being too tired (as I like to say, “don’t listen to your brain when you’re tired, it speaks nonsense”).
  • Do laundry (be clean yourself, touch the freshly washed clothes with super clean hands, etc, etc).
  • Other really anxious people (in reality people with anxiety try to keep their environment calm, because they’re mind is already messy).
  • Shouts, nerves and all these high energy behaviors of others that can make you more anxious.
  • Not being able to avoid a trigger.
  • The reminder of a trigger.
  • Having to make a call (if you’re someone who doesn’t like speaking on the phone).
  • Waking up (yes it’s exciting that a new day begins, but a list of rituals/compulsions/to dos begins as well).
  • Even the thought of some things/situations.
  • The constant question of whether an object is clear or not.

The spirits in the horror films

I used to be totally not able to see a horror film. Until I started taking antidepressants for my OCD, and my fears and phobias were minimized. So, I started watching horror films and for the past year or so I have seen plenty!

Watching one right now, with spirits and stuff, I started thinking…. why does the horror has always to do with death, and spirits, and angry souls, and devil?!

Well, I speak as someone who’s an atheist, I don’t believe in god and I don’t believe in devil either. But I do believe in humanity and in the human brain and psychosynthesis.

I believe that the human nature is full of interesting aspects, tons of good, but there can also be problems/anomalies, for me all these are about the brain and mental health, or other kind of physical problems that can cause malfunctions in the brain. Sometimes all these can make people do bad things. It’s all about the brain, the brain makes the human body work and people acting.

So why do we have to believe that the bad/dark things that happen and people do are devil’s doing, or some man’s that is now dead and wants revenge?

It’s all in this world, acts of good and acts of bad (even if we call them “evil” they’re part of the human nature).

Horror stories have been around for centuries, and apart from making our adrenaline levels increasing, maybe it’s a way for people to explain things that they don’t want to except that are part of who we are….

Athens

My mama was born and grew up in Athens, Greece. And even though she then got married and left for another part of Greece, I always thought of Athens as my hometown, one of two.

As long as I can remember myself, Athens was part of our holidays. The bus ride there, and the later years the car rides there. The sounds of the light traffic at night (I was growing up in the middle of nature so it was something different), the city sounds. The places we were going, the shops, the playground inside one very big park, the big cinemas.

Later on, at 17, I started studying cinema in Athens. I knew from the beginning that I wasn’t going to live permanently at my parent’s home again.

Good things, and bad things, and everyday life happened for the next 11 years, up until now. I have reached a point in my life that Athens is home for me. My parent’s home is the home where I grew up, but Athens is HOME. It’s a feeling that can’t be put in exact words, just that “it feels/is home” (not “like”).

And part of that feeling is that in moments like this one, that I’m just relaxing on my balcony, I can notice the same things that my 6 or 9 year old self was noticing: the city sounds, the life, the summer night in Athens!

That thing called “limits”

One of the most important things I have learned in therapy, is something that is not necessarily related to my OCD, but it’s very useful for life in general.

Limits.

Setting my limits where I want/need, create them if needed, keep them. Limits are practically everywhere; in love life, in professional life, in family life, absolutely everywhere.

And setting limits doesn’t mean that you become unapproachable, it just means that you know/love yourself, and you know your needs/desires/stamina/etc, so you learn to say no for example!

But, in life, we all live as parts of a society. We interact with other people. And sometimes there are people who try to trespass those limits.

Lately, I have come along situations like this. Somebody wants me to follow exactly what he/she wants, somebody else tries to prove to me that I’m the one in fault when I talk to him/her about some issues in our relationship, somebody else thinks that I’m available 24/7 to help him/her with his/her problems while in the same time doesn’t recognize mine, etc.

Yes, this post is more about the cases where someone is trying to trespass my limits in purpose or doesn’t respect them so much to stop where they are set.

When something like this happens, I protect myself, I defend my limits without any drama, just talking and showing to others that they should respect me and that I’m not their toy to play with, that I’m a human, an individual with free will and a personality of my own.

But sometimes people keep trying to trespass those limits of mine… and though I can understand part of the psychology behind this behavior, there are a few things that I have in my mind when situations like that happen….

You, who try to trespass my limits…

I can’t say just stop, because you’re a human being, free to do whatever you want. But, I can say that your limits stop where mine begin. And you should respect that.

But, know that I have been through my share of really difficult situations (which I survived in the best way possible). I have dealt all my life with a couple of people trying to manipulate me, and especially after going into therapy for my OCD, I have worked soo much with myself and managed to become a better version of me. And keep trying, having set my limits so I can feel good with myself, working on my obsessions, etc.

So, what makes you think that you can trespass my limits, just so you can make me do and believe your agenda?

I have survived things that made me stronger, I live my daily life with OCD (which means that many times I need to try for things that are really simple for a “normal” person), I have faced my demons, I have faced a parent who caused me a lot of problems since I was a teen, I have went from a person with suicidal throughts to a person that loves herself, I have worked towards finding a balance and peace in my mind/my life.

What makes you think that you can manipulate a person like that?

You not respecting me and my limits may upset me a bit for a while, after having to protect those limits from you, but I already do it, and I can keep doing it for as long as it takes, until I’m tired and show you the exit from my life.

And know, that I can understand why you’re so keen on manipulating others, it’s who you were raised to be, it’s something that fills your gaps and insecurities. But why don’t you choose to become better? Maybe work on your demons and the insecurities that your mind is constantly talking you about….

So, these where just my thoughts, because in some cases you have to give another proper answer to the other person, and not exactly what you have in mind.

Well, this is society, a place full of people interacting with each other…! Roar…!

On father’s day

I write “father’s day”, with a small “f”, like I do with “god” and “g”. Because I don’t believe in my father, and I don’t believe in god.

So, today, it’s father’s day. I have come across many many posts. Thanking fathers around the world, remembering, etc, etc.

I thought of writing a few things, as a person that has bad relations with her father.

So, I used to admire my father, until years passed and I hit adolescence, as he hit some phase which made him… problematic. Many fights, starting from something I said, reached a point where I believed that I needed help because I had some kind of problem and was causing harm and trouble (spoiler: I was a very chill teen, just wanted my space and some solitude, no rebellions, no nothing). Years passed until I realized I wasn’t the one doing wrong. I wasn’t the one with the problem.

The problematic father continued existing in my life, causing problems whenever I was getting closer.

Had three turning points (yeah, it took me many years and three big breaking points to move on and move him out of my life practically). The third one was picking up the phone and giving him a piece of my mind, many of the things I’ve always wanted to tell him and they were burning inside me, and I didn’t want to spend my life not saying them out loud to him. And I did, I said it all, and he had the worst reaction he could have, total denial, etc, etc.

For me this was the end. A stop. I still talk to him about the basics (they’re not separated with my mama), having a basic interaction, but the sentimental switches are definitely turned off. I turned them off so I can become a better person, so I can move on, as a way of survival.

So, why I’m writing a post about him? This one is basically about the idea of a father/man. I have bad relations with my father, worked things out for myself, and…..

…..the way I view men has changed, I don’t have any competition against them (like I used to), I’m more relaxed with them, and I can tell apart my father from the idea of a father/man.

I’m able to dream, of meeting a nice man, that will be caring, showing his feelings, taking care of me, being a good friend, being a good father to the kids that may come one day.

I have realized that even though I have been through some hard times (and some really hard ones) with the issue, I believe, I have faith in manhood, because a bad “product” doesn’t mean that all “products” are equally bad.

So, after 29 years of life, today I celebrate father’s day!

I’m happy for all the people who have/had great fathers, all the people that are great fathers. And I celebrate for myself, for faith in good people, for the faith that good men exist, that there are good examples of fatherhood out there and sometimes even the thought of this is so soothing and comforting!

Life,variety, different people, faith.