Too close to home

These past months two musicians have committed suicide, due to mental health problems. The news hit too close to home both times, so I decided that it was time to write about it. 

Well, I have been there, not too long ago. About one year ago, after years of untreated OCD, my mind got really tired and started giving me suicidal thoughts. They were coming when I was really stressed, or even out of the blue. Believe me, when your mind tells you even the way you could try and kill yourself is one of the weirdest moments of your life. 

The one thing you MUST do when these thoughts come, is ask for help from a psychologist/psychiatrist! With the help of an expert you see things how they really are. Suicidal thoughts is your mind talking nonsense, your mind being tired of certain problems, your mind trying to cope with untreated mental health issues. Killing yourself is never the answer! 

Many people may say that “you cannot do this to your family”, but I say that YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF. In life, hard times always appear and (mental) health isssues appear as well, but there are doctors and experts for it, to help you cope and get healthy, fight, survive and move on from bad times. 

Each individual has hers/his burden/past/memories, but there’s nothing you cannot deal with eventually. It just takes help, time and willpower. But it’s all worth it. Because you cannot lose life, all the happy times that are going to come, all the love, the people, the nice things, the moments, the everyday things, everything, because your mind told you so at some point. 

Suicidal thoughts are about problems with your mental health, and though it’s still some kind of taboo (in 2017), mental health is still HEALTH. When you get psychically sick you go to the doctor, it’s the same thing with mental health, your mind gets sick and you need to go to the doctor. After all, your body works because of your mind/brain! 

So, don’t ever give up, if you have suicidal thoughts it might seem logical to turn them into action. But it’s not! In the end of the tunnel you’re into there is light, there is life, there are good things you can’t even imagine right now. Difficult times definitely come in life, but definitely go as well. And you must be breathing to meet them! 

Trust me, because I’m a suicidal thoughts survivor! 

The thing called cancer (no. 3)

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
It’s been quite some time. About nine months to be more exact. 

When I learned about my mom’s cancer diagnosis, I was standing in front of the kitchen counter at her house, eating some candy. 

Since then, we’ve been through a lot together (always with the help of friends and family, but as the first born of the family I was her main helper/nurse/positive energy coach/cook/everything else needed), therapy, a 14 hour surgery, the healing from that surgery, all until we learned that now she’s cancer free. Well, not fully recovered yet from the surgery, and in a program of frequent checks for a year, but I think that this is the end of an era, a milestone of victory!

To better things to come! 

Life as it is

Yeah, life isn’t always easy, and sometimes bad things come in groups. In the past year, since last May to be exact, many things have happened. 
I was diagnosed with O.C.D., after almost ten years from the first signs of it. This O.C.D. brought me to a breaking point and caused me depression and suicidal thoughts. I started therapy and taking meds. After a couple of months, a big part of the factory where my mom amd brother were working was burnt. My brother who was working in production stopped working, but my mom continued working in the offices of the factory. But, since I don’t have a day job, I had to go back to my parent’s house for some months. A couple of weeks after the fire, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She did chemo and these days she’s going into surgery. Thankfully her cancer is treatable. And, last weekend my father almost died from kidney failure. He survived and is going on dialysis, probably for the rest of his life. 

It’s so funny, that as I’m writing and reading the last lines all these seem so surreal! Yes, bad things happen all together sometimes, this is a fact. But, the difference is made from the way each person decides to react and act to things. 

Personally, I prefer fighting. I say that “when life gives you the middle finger, you give her the middle finger back”. I’m a fighter, and I try to make even the worst things work in the best way possible (a kind of positive thinking, but more of a way of working with things, so I can get something positive out of them). 

In the last year of my life, many things (some of them really bad) have happened. BUT,… my mom’s cancer is treatable, my O.C.D. is going well, I’m doing great with psychotherapy, and most importantly I can now say that I’m learning to live. 

Really live, not just going through every day. But, becoming a better and stronger human, becoming better friends with myself, taking control of my life and learning what really matters in life. 

Even in the worst situations, there’s always something good you can dig up! 

When the man comes around 

In life, there’s only one thing that you cannot cheat and will definitely come for you at some point. The irony in this is that one thing is the end of life. 

Personally I believe that we are born, we live our lives and we die. It’s that simple. But still death is one of the greatest fears and taboos. 

My greatest fear, was the death of my mother. I couldn’t even think about it. I use past tense, because I’m in the process of making peace with the idea. My mother has cancer, she will recover fully, but all this cancer thing was the chance for me to work with the idea that some day she will die. And it makes me think how I would like to spend the time I have left, with her, with everyone around me and which things I would like to do, before it’s too late.  Yeah, there’s something weird about it  the closer death comes to you (in any way), the more you realize what life really means. 

It’s not easy to accept the fact of your favorite people’s death, it’s an ongoing process. A good sense of humor and maybe the love for the macabre can help. Can help with figuring out a couple of things, because I think that you can never figure out everything. But can always try!

1st P.S. The title is from “The man comes around” by Johny Cash. The first photo is from Ingmar Bergman’s “Seventh Seal” and the second from the video of “Show Yourself” by Mastodon. 

2nd P.S. I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject!

Just life 

Lately, I think a lot about the “microcosm”. How it has changed over the years and especially how it has changed over the last months. 
Yeah, since it’s basically a personal blog, it makes total sense to change with time, exactly like life does! But, sometimes, I’m thinking if someone takes a look at the posts… is he/she going to understand what the blog is about?! 

So, I thought of writing a few words about… life right now. 

I’m a 28 year old artist, living in a colorful house (it’s an apartment, but I like the word “home”), in Athens (Greece). 

I’m practicing many forms of art (trying to make a career out of them and looking for a day job in the same time). I have three brands (one with colorful/ bohemian handmade jewelry, one with psychobilly/ macabre inspired handmade jewelry and one with my original artwork). I’m a photographer, and a crafter. I’m practicing, so I can do performance art someday.

I have ocd (I’m doing really well lately). And my mother has cancer (she’s doing well and she’s going to do even better).

So, the “microcosm” has every aspect of my life in its posts. 

I hope you like the variety! 

People are complicated and life is too! 

 

Those sunny mornings 

I’m spending the weekend at my parent’s house. The house is surrounded by nature, trees, flowers and fields all around! And since it’s spring already, memories come back to me. 

I remember years of sunny mornings, the sun entering through the windows. Warmth getting inside the house. Kind of an invitation to look out the window and admire the nature, while listening to all the birds singing. 

And these mornings are still taking place, no matter how many years pass…! 

Emotional abuse (a song by Horrorpops & a reality) 

In the “microcosm” I like talking about tough subjects sometimes, but I always put some sprinkle over them. Not to make them look prettier, but just because I have a positive way of thinking about things. 

But, for this post, will be a little different, a little more… raw. So, here it goes… 

What’s the first thing that comes in your mind when you think about abuse? Maybe abuse against children? Or maybe a wife with a black eye that “accidentally fell off the stairs”? 

Yes, there are physical signs of abuse, but there is also emotional abuse. One that’s kept beneath the surface and sometimes it’s difficult even for the person that’s being abused to realize it. And many times it happens inside romantic relationships. 

I have been there, I have lived within it, I have survived, I have seen the positive side and recently its true colors/aftermath. 

I once met a boy, through a friend. And he seemed nice. I fell in love with him. We became an item. And I remember feeling so lucky that I have found a good one. 
He seemed sweet, sensitive and quite charming. All his friends loved him. He was always smiling…., especially when others were around. 

Well, the pure reality was quite different:

  • He was talking too much about his ex-girlfriend and saying mainly bad things about her, of course! 
  • He was creating arguments and scenes almost every day and especially after I had fun. 
  • He was never happy and always having a reason to complain about something or someone. 
  • He was turning conversations in such a way, so I would end up expressing my feelings to him (which was kind of forced of course, because I’m a person that needs some time to express feelings). 
  • He was extremely jealous, just by the idea that a man might look at me. 
  • He was making comments about how much I like taking care of myself and going out for walks or shopping. 
  • He didn’t want me to meet his friends. 
  • He wanted us to be all the time together.
  • Every time he was doing something wrong, he managed to turn the argument about something I supposedly did wrong. 
  • He was acting completely different in every environment (with friends, with his family, with my friends, but when we were alone it was always the worst version). 

These are some of the things that he did. 

I still remember one day that I was laughing on a video on YouTube and he said to me “Are you done?!”. I still remember that I was crying about 4 to 5 times a week. I still remember the night that I had such a great sense of danger after a fight that we had. For the story, he broke up with me, which was actually a good thing, because I don’t know when I would have managed to decide to leave. 

I still remember many things, but I have admitted to myself that I have  been in an abusive relationship and made peace with that fact, with the past, and with myself. I survived. And it wasn’t easy to return to my happy place. But I fought and created a new version of myself and my happy place, because of course the experience changed me forever, but for the best. 

The main reason for writing this post is to put a little, tiny, rock in the mountain that’s called awarness. 

Abuse is still a big taboo for our society. And though I take the responsibility for my choices, I wish that there was even one person back then that would tell me that “you know, these things are not normal, not at all, this is some kind of abuse”. I wish I have heard this from someone, and not that I was in a bad relationship, or that we weren’t a match. No! I was in an abusive relationship. That was it, that’s the reality. 

So, I’m  doing what I would like someone else to have done for me. Talking to everyone else out there… 

I’m saying that if you have a bad feeling about your relationship and the person that you’re with, chances are that it’s your instinct talking to you. If something feels really wrong, you should get out. What you’re feeling is not love. It’s just not love, love is a good thing. Abuse isn’t. Talk to others and most of all trust yourself and what your gut tells you. Trust yourself because you deserve to be loved properly and in a good, healthy, way! 

And in case you’re not in such a relationship, but know someone that is in a emotionally  or physically abusive relationship, act and help that person in every way you can, so she/he can get out of it. 

Because, abuse in relationships is here and it’s real, even its emotional version! 

P.S. Here’s the song I’m talking about in the title of the post: https://youtu.be/kDqDPp29nAE.