What others don’t know (a poem)

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Fighting yourself

How much of your life have you spent fighting your own skin?

Fighting your mind? What you are? What you feel?

I have probably spent months, if not years.

Until I reached my breaking point.

And until life happened and it worked as a reminder that we usually think that we’re here for an eternity, but in reality, we’re only here for a limited time.

So, why fighting the body we live in and all that we are?

Living with OCD (no.19)

This one is about setbacks.

So, having a mental health issue, an anxiety disorder, maybe OCD (like me) is always difficult. In the best case scenario you manage to have it under control and live with it in peace.

But an anxiety disorder goes hand in hand with life. And life can give you triggers (more than the “casual” ones of everyday). A tougher period of time maybe. Some challenges coming all together. Or maybe memories and anniversaries (or both combined, one hell of a combo that is!).

So, even if you have your anxiety disorder under control, there can be some setbacks!

It might be a compulsion that was gone for a long time. Or a more “messy/busy” mind. Or maybe it can get harder to overcome everyday triggers (because when you’re living with OCD you do have the triggers, actually lots of them, during the day, but you know how to get over/past them).

The basic thing you do in this is to stay cool. You and your mind are going to figure things out. And then, think about what causes the setback and the “new” triggers (you might need to talk to your therapist about them too, it would be a good idea). Oh, and remind yourself that this whole setback thing is only temporary, you have done so much work and there’s no way you’re going back.

Then, try not to pressure yourself too much. Do the most important things and don’t do too many during the day. Give yourself (and your mind basically) room to breathe…!

And keep tabs on how you’re doing.

As I said, it’s only temporary. The ups and down are like your heartbeat, and they mean you’re alive and living life!

Diary

On May the 2nd, of 2017 my mama was getting into the hospital and was going to have an operation the following days. She had stage 3 esophagus cancer.

On this day, exactly one year ago, she had the operation. A big one, of 14 hours. We knew it was gonna be long, but couldn’t imagine it would be that long. And May 3rd of 2017 was the longest day of my life (so far). There were moments that the seconds seemed to go backwards instead of forward.

Days like that, or the memories of days like that, isn’t easy to forget. Even if you want to act like is one more casual day, your brain knows!

Today is one more “anniversary”. The same day with the operation of my mother, as I was going to the hospital, I had a trigger, because the taxi wasn’t that clean. And this trigger, that occupied part of my mind for the whole day, was one of the greatest helpers with the main anxiety of the day.

This was the day I started thinking of my OCD as some kind of friend. I started figuring out ways to work with it so things can become better in my everyday life.

So, 3rd of May is a big day, one of those that you can’t forget.

And, even partially, you keep reliving for the rest of your life.