It’s not a wonderful world (diary)

No photo for this one. Because I believe that there’s no match. Not 100%.

Lately, while reading articles online, looking around me, or listening to stories and news, I feel more than ever that this isn’t a wonderful world.

I have started to believe that we live in a world that goes through a massive crisis. Wars, people that run for their lives away from these wars, more and more poverty, violence, rapes, murders, fourteen eyes for one. It’s no big news, but I get the sense that things are getting a turn for the worst day by day.

All this seems so sad and scary. Seeing all the hate that grows in people. Instead of humanity becoming better, it becomes worse. Instead of the majority of people working on becoming better, we become more irritable, focusing on our image, hiding what’s not convenient, and even if we talk about important matters or taboo themes, we do it in such an intense way.

Personally, when I see and think about all these, I try to see the other side as well, the good things, the beauty of things. But it’s not always so easy.

Sometimes this idea stucks in my mind: why is the world going so wrong?!

Tired OCD self

For the past couple of years, I have become (some kind of) friends with my OCD. I don’t go against it and we work together.

I’m basically keeping a balance. For example, if a trigger appears, I try to keep my cool and think which is the best way to get over it, I try not to go full compulsive and do as few compulsions as possible. And this system is working pretty good.

For me this is a reconciliation. It’s OCD, it’s here, it has been here for more than a decade, so working alongside it it’s a very good idea.

And here comes the “but”!

Living with an anxiety disorder can be very compounding, for the mind, the body, the life, the person having it. Everyday life is much more tiring when you have to keep whole lists and a ton of checks in your mind. When you have to be careful even about what you touch inside your own house. And in case you’re someone like me, that never gives up, it’s even more tiring. I like to push myself and don’t let my mind taking control. I always try to keep up with my life no matter the OCD, in the best way possible.

But there are moments that I’m getting tired and I’m thinking that life would be much easier without the OCD. These moments have become very frequent for the past couple of weeks.

I’m imagining a life where you don’t have to have a shower before bed, using furniture and objects without first checking if they’re “clean” (sometimes the OCD-clean it’s a different kind than the normal clean, but that’s a story for another post), etc.

I don’t know where this is going to lead, being in therapy is a journey with a lot of unknown paths. For now, this is the fact: I’m tired of life with OCD.

Life with OCD

I think I need something fresh.

I have written so much about my OCD and mental health, but I feel the need of making some changes, refreshing a bit.

My OCD is evolving as fast as life does after all. My belief that each one of us should tell his/her personal story is stil here. One step at a time more awareness can be created.

Here I am; I have spent 13 years with it (unofficially), with only 3 years out of them being officially diagnosed. I live with it, I have created patterns, tricks, some kind of program so I can be functional. But one great truth is that living with OCD is never easy. In my case, an outsider might look at someone who’s figuring things out just fine, when in reality it takes so much energy to keep up with life sometimes.

Yes, I know that so many people, even without OCD have to deal with life. But imagine having to deal with it all and add to this a mind that’s constantly thinking, that constantly needs reassurance, that has to do certain things a certain way (always) and gets irritated and super uncomfortable if things don’t go as planned. It can get absolutely exhausting.

Well, this one is going pretty melodramatic already, so let me continue with some more positive stuff.

I never gave up, I never accepted my OCD and just sat down and waited for the next order from my brain. Yes, things have changed since my diagnosis, there are always ups and downs, but one very important thing is that I never gave up!

In this phase of my life my goal is to have a more relaxed and maybe OCD-free life in the future (long story short), a goal that has many many aspects.

So, I’m going to continue my “Living with OCD” and “Living with-out OCD” series of posts, but with a fresh attitude!

Stories of objects: the vase & the fuchsia candle

This was a candle container.

I fell in love with it in the store.

The glass was clear and the candle an amazing fuchsia shade. I kept it without burning it for a while, but I believe that we should use pretty things in everyday life.

Eventually I burned the whole thing and kept the vase so I can refill it (I recycle pieces of wax and make new candles). But when I got to make the new candle and reuse it as a container it broke in two places. I cleaned it as much as I could and was using it for keeping tea lights for some time.

Now it’s time for it to go. I will always love its pattern and that fuchsia shade.

Reinventing happiness: Mac & cheese

For the past few years I have been through some difficult times (disease in the family, mental health issues, etc, etc). All these eventually left me lacking happiness.

It’s not only hard for me to feel happy nowadays, it’s almost impossible. No, I don’t have depression (but I do have OCD). I feel something like happiness, but it isn’t it!

After a lot of thought with myself and conversations with my therapist, I decided what my next step would be.

Reprogramming my brain so it can feel happiness, in some way reinventing it.

Paying attention to small things I like, looking in the past and in the present, giving myself tasks, trying new things.

I’m going to document all these here, starting from something quite simple: a dish (ok, I had 1.5 dishes) of mac and cheese!

And here’s a selfie after having a very good mac and cheese….

Happy!