The thing called cancer (no. 3)

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It’s been quite some time. About nine months to be more exact. 

When I learned about my mom’s cancer diagnosis, I was standing in front of the kitchen counter at her house, eating some candy. 

Since then, we’ve been through a lot together (always with the help of friends and family, but as the first born of the family I was her main helper/nurse/positive energy coach/cook/everything else needed), therapy, a 14 hour surgery, the healing from that surgery, all until we learned that now she’s cancer free. Well, not fully recovered yet from the surgery, and in a program of frequent checks for a year, but I think that this is the end of an era, a milestone of victory!

To better things to come! 

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Life as it is

Yeah, life isn’t always easy, and sometimes bad things come in groups. In the past year, since last May to be exact, many things have happened. 
I was diagnosed with O.C.D., after almost ten years from the first signs of it. This O.C.D. brought me to a breaking point and caused me depression and suicidal thoughts. I started therapy and taking meds. After a couple of months, a big part of the factory where my mom amd brother were working was burnt. My brother who was working in production stopped working, but my mom continued working in the offices of the factory. But, since I don’t have a day job, I had to go back to my parent’s house for some months. A couple of weeks after the fire, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She did chemo and these days she’s going into surgery. Thankfully her cancer is treatable. And, last weekend my father almost died from kidney failure. He survived and is going on dialysis, probably for the rest of his life. 

It’s so funny, that as I’m writing and reading the last lines all these seem so surreal! Yes, bad things happen all together sometimes, this is a fact. But, the difference is made from the way each person decides to react and act to things. 

Personally, I prefer fighting. I say that “when life gives you the middle finger, you give her the middle finger back”. I’m a fighter, and I try to make even the worst things work in the best way possible (a kind of positive thinking, but more of a way of working with things, so I can get something positive out of them). 

In the last year of my life, many things (some of them really bad) have happened. BUT,… my mom’s cancer is treatable, my O.C.D. is going well, I’m doing great with psychotherapy, and most importantly I can now say that I’m learning to live. 

Really live, not just going through every day. But, becoming a better and stronger human, becoming better friends with myself, taking control of my life and learning what really matters in life. 

Even in the worst situations, there’s always something good you can dig up! 

When the man comes around 

In life, there’s only one thing that you cannot cheat and will definitely come for you at some point. The irony in this is that one thing is the end of life. 

Personally I believe that we are born, we live our lives and we die. It’s that simple. But still death is one of the greatest fears and taboos. 

My greatest fear, was the death of my mother. I couldn’t even think about it. I use past tense, because I’m in the process of making peace with the idea. My mother has cancer, she will recover fully, but all this cancer thing was the chance for me to work with the idea that some day she will die. And it makes me think how I would like to spend the time I have left, with her, with everyone around me and which things I would like to do, before it’s too late.  Yeah, there’s something weird about it  the closer death comes to you (in any way), the more you realize what life really means. 

It’s not easy to accept the fact of your favorite people’s death, it’s an ongoing process. A good sense of humor and maybe the love for the macabre can help. Can help with figuring out a couple of things, because I think that you can never figure out everything. But can always try!

1st P.S. The title is from “The man comes around” by Johny Cash. The first photo is from Ingmar Bergman’s “Seventh Seal” and the second from the video of “Show Yourself” by Mastodon. 

2nd P.S. I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject!