The beauty of surrendering to your feelings

Not all feelings are pleasant. And maybe we want to avoid going through some off them. I know feeling lonely is one of my worst.

When we don’t want to feel something we might be in denial, maybe still feel it and try to ignore it, or hide it behind something else (maybe another feeling).

But, feelings don’t go anywhere and they’re still inside our brain no matter how hard we try to avoid them. And usually the best thing to do is to just surrender!

Do you feel angry? Do you feel sad? Do you feel lonely? Any negative feeling can feel so much better if you accept it. For example, the other night after one full day, I started feeling weird, and then a little blue, and then lonely. I tried to avoid it for a while, maybe it was the fact that I was tired, maybe my energy levels have dropped. Yes, all these might have worked as factors for my state of mind at the moment, but the base was simply the fact that I was feeling lonely! Not pleasant, but I was feeling like I was alone and I wish I could have someone around me.

And when it’s less than a month after my break up, still going through with processing things, and even though I’m moving on, there’s the cloud of the past over me sometimes, and some other times I can see the distant sun of the love stories that will come in the future. The limbo in between can get awkward and lonely.

So, feeling lonely for a while it’s completely normal. And accepted; even if I’m doing OK in general.

There’s a beautiful and liberating moment, right when you say “I can’t avoid it anymore, I’m feeling this/that way”. It’s some kind of peace. Like a small fire burning inside your chest, keeping you warm, no matter how cold things can get. In a way you accept yourself. Because our feelings are part of who we are.

And the really good news is that everything seems a little better when you stop fighting it!

The Twilight Zone

I was supposed to move into a new apartment with my boyfriend. We were supposed to start something new, from scratch.

And then we broke up. He broke up with me. And with no intent of working things out.

It felt like I was entering the Twilight Zone. I was so much into the reality I was living in up until the point I heard the phrase “I want us to break up”, that the sudden change made me feel like I was entering the Twilight Zone. And there I wasn’t going to get out of it.

I still live in that Twilight Zone. It’s my new reality. Dealing with the post break up period, and working on new plans.

I’m a sucker for planning. I love making plans and following schedules. And now I have many new plans to follow.

I do well with adapting to change. And I like change (of course I prefer positive change). I adapt quickly and efficiently, I like turning bad things into something a bit more positive. Like I have done now. Dealing with life as it is one day at a time.

But…. there’s this small knot in the back of my mind that makes its appearance every now and then. A knot of my life before I entered… the Twilight Zone!

The void

It’s been around 10 days since my break up.

I have been handling it very well. I’m taking my time, talking to family, a dear friend and my therapist. I’m doing things I love and keep a daily routine.

But, for the past couple of days the void of the daily communication with the now-ex-partner has made its appearance.

One of the greatest aspects of a relationship is communication. Having someone next to you, talking, telling them about your day. And when that daily communication goes away after a break up, it leaves a void.

There are moments and days that this void seems huge.

Personally, I always keep in the back of my mind that better days will come eventually. But it only helps a tiny bit with the pain.

The searching

The searching, a.k.a. the therapy.

I have been in therapy for the past four years. And it’s one of the best things I ever did for myself.

Being in therapy, talking, searching has helped me discover things of the past and aspects of my life and who I am.

I chose the “hard way”, I have chosen to reach pretty deep in the past and in my feelings. In therapy is the patient that basically chooses how much he/she’s going to share, and I believe in sharing all.

I feel like the deeper you go, the better base you create so you can recover and build again.

Currently I’m in the space in between: I have changed a lot since I began therapy, I have set new boundaries, realized a ton of things, and….I’m in the phase I have to accept the bad ones. And hopefully things are going to become much better at some point.

I have realized and accepted that my OCD was born inside the family. My family is a family of four, and I’m the oldest kid. And my trauma was created during my teenage years, from the really bad relationship I had with my father, and basically the way he was treating me.

I believe that the trauma deserves a seperate post, so see you in the next one!

That girl (who cries on her birthday)

I don’t just love birthdays, I adore them. 2/2 is my day!

But this year… there’s something off about my birthday. I don’t actually cried because I’m turning 31, but I can definitely feel the stereotypical girl in the movies that cries because she’s getting old (plus, it makes a very good title for the post).

This year, I’m feeling a bit sad in between the cheer of my birthday celebrations.

Last year, the number 30 was a new era, was fun. This year, 31 seems weird, like it’s someone else that’s turning this age. It seems like time starts passing by faster.

Things have been happening lately, I have old relatives very close to me, relatives that start getting too old, I see first hand the way time passes. And I realize how fast time passes for me as well (how did I reach 31?!). And I’m wondering how much time I have left, and what’s going to come.

And I realize how precious time is, and I’m brainstorming about the best ways to live a good and happy life.

And I bought myself a very “adult” gift this year: a coffee maker. That’s one good and wise idea. Many more to come!

Health first (a diary post)

My everyday life is quite full usually: I have my two handmade jewelry brands (@daily_art_by_angelina & @psychotrinkets) , my art (@drawing_tales), my photography (@a_mavrogianni_photography), my home/ art studio that always needs something done, my – practically fresh- significant other (we don’t live together, but still there’s quite some time devoted to him), my grandma and her second husband next door to me who are both in their mid 80s and have things that have to be done for them. Plus, I live everyday with my OCD in the background. And for the past 4 months I have stopped (the proper way) my medication which I have been taking, for my OCD, for almost 3 years.

A couple weeks ago I made a decision: to try to chill more and focus on my mental health. Just for the tough period of going off the meds (my sweet little brain has to re-adjust, but until then it shows no particular mercy). A wise decision to focus on my mental health.

I didn’t turn off everything, but I try to do less, so I have time to relax and take care of myself more.

I am a control freak, a multitasker that feels like I’m doing something wrong when I’m not doing something 24/7. But, I realized that I had to somehow take some time off, so I can feel better again, after going off my meds. But, still balancing things.

  • Posting less on social media (main way to promote my work my work).
  • Creating/working less (so, I have a less strict schedule, and more time to relax).
  • Not pressuring myself to do a lot of things during the day.
  • Trying to keep up with my relationships (but not doing so much that I will feel pressured).
  • Doing… nothing (I never do “nothing”, I practically can’t, but I realized that my kind of “doing nothing” is to chill out, do the things that feel good, go through YouTube or Pinterest, not saying to myself “you have to do this and that”, chiiiill; it’s so soothing and relaxing during this tough period).
  • Giving some responsibilities (grandma related) to other members of my family, taking a break for a while from them.
  • Taking a break from things that put too much pressure on me.

In the meanwhile, life happens, and it’s not always easy to keep up with my decision. But, having set the goal to focus on my mental health is important. Each single day, I try to care of myself, my emotions, my mood, and not let go (keep working towards the better days that are going to come). And some days (who am I kidding, most days), it’s pretty difficult, but the bottom line is loving myself and showing myself this love and care.

The world (and everything) will be here even after this tough period ends!

Diary

It’s been a while.

Life keeps rolling.

I’m off antidepressants. I work a lot with my handmade jewelry/drawings/art photography/digital collages. I live everyday life with its moments and responsibilities.

Stopping the meds, even though I did it the right way, has been… pretty difficult.

With my arts I have been very productive, as always. And had a few good surprises: I was thinking of closing my Redbubble shop since I had no sales, but lately had two sales! So, now I’m working much more on creating pieces to add to it.

For my handmade jewelry I have been spending hours and hours on social media. And having a couple of photoshoots after creating a bunch of new things! And soon I’m going to reopen my original artwork Etsy shop that has been closed for a while.

Everyone, family and friends is healthy and well. And I have met a guy, a good one. So, I suppose that’s a great opportunity to start a new series of posts about OCD and love. Soon!

That’s all for now, many beautiful things coming soon!

Diary

Have you ever felt those avalanches of thoughts, feelings and phobias about your life?

  • What I should do next?
  • Have I done enough until now?
  • What’s going on?
  • Am I ever falling in love again?
  • Should I change anything?

Well, this list is practically endless!

Even if you’re the most confident person on earth (and that’s a manner of speech, because there’s no such thing I think), these moments/periods of avalanche over-thinking definitely come.

And there’s always a way out of them. For example, I usually try to go through it while reminding to myself all the positive things, keeping calm and planning my next steps in life.

But, the mess they create in your mind is significant. They make you feel weird, and out of shape/order, and not “in the best of spirits“! Like going through a phase.

But can you do, this is life, right?!