I write “father’s day”, with a small “f”, like I do with “god” and “g”. Because I don’t believe in my father, and I don’t believe in god.
So, today, it’s father’s day. I have come across many many posts. Thanking fathers around the world, remembering, etc, etc.
I thought of writing a few things, as a person that has bad relations with her father.
So, I used to admire my father, until years passed and I hit adolescence, as he hit some phase which made him… problematic. Many fights, starting from something I said, reached a point where I believed that I needed help because I had some kind of problem and was causing harm and trouble (spoiler: I was a very chill teen, just wanted my space and some solitude, no rebellions, no nothing). Years passed until I realized I wasn’t the one doing wrong. I wasn’t the one with the problem.
The problematic father continued existing in my life, causing problems whenever I was getting closer.
Had three turning points (yeah, it took me many years and three big breaking points to move on and move him out of my life practically). The third one was picking up the phone and giving him a piece of my mind, many of the things I’ve always wanted to tell him and they were burning inside me, and I didn’t want to spend my life not saying them out loud to him. And I did, I said it all, and he had the worst reaction he could have, total denial, etc, etc.
For me this was the end. A stop. I still talk to him about the basics (they’re not separated with my mama), having a basic interaction, but the sentimental switches are definitely turned off. I turned them off so I can become a better person, so I can move on, as a way of survival.
So, why I’m writing a post about him? This one is basically about the idea of a father/man. I have bad relations with my father, worked things out for myself, and…..
…..the way I view men has changed, I don’t have any competition against them (like I used to), I’m more relaxed with them, and I can tell apart my father from the idea of a father/man.
I’m able to dream, of meeting a nice man, that will be caring, showing his feelings, taking care of me, being a good friend, being a good father to the kids that may come one day.
I have realized that even though I have been through some hard times (and some really hard ones) with the issue, I believe, I have faith in manhood, because a bad “product” doesn’t mean that all “products” are equally bad.
So, after 29 years of life, today I celebrate father’s day!
I’m happy for all the people who have/had great fathers, all the people that are great fathers. And I celebrate for myself, for faith in good people, for the faith that good men exist, that there are good examples of fatherhood out there and sometimes even the thought of this is so soothing and comforting!
Life,variety, different people, faith.