Living with OCD (no.6)

The first signs of my obsessive compulsive actions started when I was 17 years old. I started obsessing about my personal hygiene. I couldn’t go to bed at night if I haven’t had a shower. It sounds normal but it’s only one example and there’s this phrase “must do” that its crucial about ocd.

So, I practically suffer from ocd since then. I have been suffering from ocd my whole adult life ( I’ll be 29 on February).
I don’t like the word “suffering” or “sufferer”, because I have reached a point where I’m in control of my anxiety. But it wasn’t always like this. I have been through years of cleaning, of stuck thoughts inside my mind, of panic attacks, of moments (when I had a trigger) frozen in time. Ocd is like a cage, or a transparent box, your mind keeps you there. Until one day… it can’t take it anymore. Too much anxiety. Too many “must dos”. Too many thoughts. Too many “dangers”. I’ve had that day.
And recently I had the day opposite to that one.
I have been living in peace with my disorder for more than a year, making progress all the time. My goal is to be able to control it forever, not getting over it. One of these days I sat on a taxi seat with stains, it was clean, but the fabric had stains. This one is a HUGE trigger for me. The magic happened when my mind was totally cool about it. I wasn’t fully stressed, just a little bit. I was very cautious after that, being careful of where I will sit, what I’ll touch, I was looking forward for my shower time. BUT, there was this new feeling of some kind of freedom. I had a huge trigger and I wasn’t falling apart, my mind was working it out calmly.
It was a moment of revelation, a sneak peak of the freedom that “normal” people, that don’t suffer from ocd, have! And it was overwhelming, I was close to tears of joy, because I don’t really know how it’s life without ocd. But, I’m getting a bit of its taste now; I’m getting to know life without  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder controlling  my existence! 

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Life as it is

Yeah, life isn’t always easy, and sometimes bad things come in groups. In the past year, since last May to be exact, many things have happened. 
I was diagnosed with O.C.D., after almost ten years from the first signs of it. This O.C.D. brought me to a breaking point and caused me depression and suicidal thoughts. I started therapy and taking meds. After a couple of months, a big part of the factory where my mom amd brother were working was burnt. My brother who was working in production stopped working, but my mom continued working in the offices of the factory. But, since I don’t have a day job, I had to go back to my parent’s house for some months. A couple of weeks after the fire, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She did chemo and these days she’s going into surgery. Thankfully her cancer is treatable. And, last weekend my father almost died from kidney failure. He survived and is going on dialysis, probably for the rest of his life. 

It’s so funny, that as I’m writing and reading the last lines all these seem so surreal! Yes, bad things happen all together sometimes, this is a fact. But, the difference is made from the way each person decides to react and act to things. 

Personally, I prefer fighting. I say that “when life gives you the middle finger, you give her the middle finger back”. I’m a fighter, and I try to make even the worst things work in the best way possible (a kind of positive thinking, but more of a way of working with things, so I can get something positive out of them). 

In the last year of my life, many things (some of them really bad) have happened. BUT,… my mom’s cancer is treatable, my O.C.D. is going well, I’m doing great with psychotherapy, and most importantly I can now say that I’m learning to live. 

Really live, not just going through every day. But, becoming a better and stronger human, becoming better friends with myself, taking control of my life and learning what really matters in life. 

Even in the worst situations, there’s always something good you can dig up!