Life with OCD

I think I need something fresh.

I have written so much about my OCD and mental health, but I feel the need of making some changes, refreshing a bit.

My OCD is evolving as fast as life does after all. My belief that each one of us should tell his/her personal story is stil here. One step at a time more awareness can be created.

Here I am; I have spent 13 years with it (unofficially), with only 3 years out of them being officially diagnosed. I live with it, I have created patterns, tricks, some kind of program so I can be functional. But one great truth is that living with OCD is never easy. In my case, an outsider might look at someone who’s figuring things out just fine, when in reality it takes so much energy to keep up with life sometimes.

Yes, I know that so many people, even without OCD have to deal with life. But imagine having to deal with it all and add to this a mind that’s constantly thinking, that constantly needs reassurance, that has to do certain things a certain way (always) and gets irritated and super uncomfortable if things don’t go as planned. It can get absolutely exhausting.

Well, this one is going pretty melodramatic already, so let me continue with some more positive stuff.

I never gave up, I never accepted my OCD and just sat down and waited for the next order from my brain. Yes, things have changed since my diagnosis, there are always ups and downs, but one very important thing is that I never gave up!

In this phase of my life my goal is to have a more relaxed and maybe OCD-free life in the future (long story short), a goal that has many many aspects.

So, I’m going to continue my “Living with OCD” and “Living with-out OCD” series of posts, but with a fresh attitude!

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OCD Facebook groups (a no)

So, I thought of becoming a member of an OCD oriented Facebook group. And I did so!

I thought it would be interesting to read about other people’s stories and share mine. To connect with people that go through their everyday lives with OCD, like I do. Sharing opinions and ideas is always interesting. And as you can see from this blog I think it’s very important for people to share their stories, create awareness and maybe help others by showing how important it is to get proper help when dealing with mental health issues.

I found a pretty popular group and I joined; for two days.

I expected a platform of people who deal with (anxiety and) OCD, who deal with it and work with it and themselves. What I found was so different!

  • So, many people not getting proper professional help for their mental health problems. (I know it isn’t always easy to pay for therapy, but if you really want to, you can find a way to get help somehow).

Having a mental health issue, and not getting treatment for it is so bad. I have been there, and I wish I had gotten help much earlier. You practically don’t know what you have/ how to deal with whatever you have/ what kind of therapy/treatment to get. You have a struggling mind with no support. So, so bad.

  • Many people practically asking for diagnosis and help.

Internet is very helpful sometimes, but asking for help from strangers is such a bad idea! It’s one thing people sharing their stories and tips maybe, and another to ask non-professionals to tell you how to treat a mental health disorder (for which you don’t have a proper diagnosis).

  • An over-exposure to anxiety.

Well, having anxiety/an anxiety disorder is like having a crowd popping thoughts inside your brain 24/7. And that’s only you. So, I believe that being exposed in the similar situation of dozens of others, on a daily basis, makes you even more stressed and helps that cycle that’s called OCD gloriously keep going.

  • Many times people confusing character and disorder.

We should know and never forget that each one of us that has a mental health disorder, has a personality as well, and the two are totally different. We are not our disorder. And not everything that we do/deal with/think/feel is about OCD.

These are the three things that made me leave the group after only two days. I reached the conclusion that I didn’t like the whole thing and that it was potentially bad for all the other members.

Of course, there were a few people that were more collected, knew about OCD, were diagnosed and were dealing with it in the best way possible, but the main feeling of the group was all the above in the list.

I still believe that is important to tell your story, and create awareness, while in the same time dealing with it with its ups and its downs, but I guess a more structured platform would be better. Maybe a place created by mental health professionals who would be able to keep control of everything and truly help people.

And always keeping in mind, and reminding the readers, that myself (and more people out there) are not mental health specialists, but want to share our story and opinions about OCD. So that more and more people understand that it’s here, it’s real, and it’s part of our lives.

And that the best thing to do if you have any mental health issues is to get proper help, have therapy and let a therapist/psychiatrist help you solve your personal problem (it’s different for each one of us and needs to be treated differently).

Living with/out OCD (no.9)

All the things that seem like nothing to you, but feel like everything to me.

All the things that seem so simple to you, but feel so complex to me.

All the things that seem so unimportant to you, but feel like climbing a mountaintop to me.

There are moments when I’m so jealous of all the other people, the ones without OCD. And when these few moments come, I’m jealous of one particular thing: how “normal” people go through their everyday tasks easily, smoothly.

Having OCD means that your everyday life is full of rules, obsessions and compulsions that your mind sets. There are so many things in everyday life that are anything but simple.

I have become friends with my OCD (and currently working on becoming close friends with my own mind), but still I get tired sometimes.

Sometimes seems so relaxing that you don’t HAVE TO have a shower before going to bed. In my world I have to take a shower each single night before bed, after spending a day being careful where I step amd where I sit and what I touch. It’s not like I have an option. Mind says I must, I do.

And there are these other days, rare gems, when for some reason (usually a combo of not being at home, having a sleep over at a friend’s or something, and being in a good day for my OCD, etc) I “break” the compulsion.

But, even though I take this “break”, it doesn’t come easy. It comes along with a pinch of anxiety and an “off feeling”.

And then comes a pleasant feeling: it feels like I’ve reached the greatest mountaintop in the world! Like I achieved something extremely special and hard.

And if you think about it… all the rough times I go through with my OCD, I do accomplish something great, for real!

And some final thoughts…

For all of you that don’t have OCD: I kind of admire your life sometimes, all the small things that stay small for you.

For all of you that live with it: I know how hard it is, keep up the good work and celebrate the “small victories” , that are basically not so small.

And as for me, this is a good day, full of triggers I have taken in as less of a trigger, and tonight I’m not going to have a shower. Nothing bad is going to happen if I don’t, so I’m going for it!

Living with/out OCD (no.5)

This one is about exhaustion.

When you try to minimize your OCD, you practically try to make changes to your brain. Sounds difficult? Maybe because it is…!

There are no miracles, I don’t expect a life without OCD to come quickly. I’m well aware that it’s going to be a long, hard, tiring process/journey. Determination, energy, and strong (as hell) will are essential.

But, sometimes, I do get so tired. Working on this project can get so exhausting at times. And not only mentally, but psychically as well. My body can get exhausted by all the mental procedures.

What to do? Keep trying, keep cutting off obsessive ideas and compulsions, just like Mulan did with her hair. One strand at a time, one obsession/compulsion at a time. Again, and again, and again.

But, taking the necessary breaks in between!

Living with/out OCD (no.1)

Untreated OCD for 10 years.

Treated OCD for 2.5 years.

That’s me. For almost two years now I cooperate with it, so there’s a balance. But still, it’s a constant circle that I decided to break. The idea of a life without OCD came to my mind. And that’s my next goal!

So, the series of “living with OCD” had to transform into something else, it becomes “living with/out OCD”, the middle and most important step before it becomes “living without OCD”.

Yes, it will be tough, and a roller-coaster, but it feels so right in this moment of time.

Plus, as I always say “if I was doing only what makes me feel conformable, I would have done nothing in my life”!

The final girl

I love the idea of the final girl in slasher/horror movies. I love its version in “You’re next”. I once did a quiz about the order in which I would die in a slasher/horror movie and my result was that I would be the final girl. I dressed up as a final girl for Halloween this year. And today, the 13th of November, a Tuesday, I realized that I am basically a final girl in real life.

This post is one of the extremely personal ones.

I have written about suicide in the past. And there’s a poem about it as well.

In case you don’t already know it, I have been there. In my teenage years I had slight thoughts of it. And when my then untreated OCD made me reach my limit, I had suicidal ideations. My mind told me how I would do it. My therapist one day told me I should have a list of people I would call if my thoughts were leading to actions (short version).

It never happened. I survived that period, it’s been two years now. Everything is going really well. Still in therapy, OCD under control, and less than a month left for my medication (wheeee!).

Today I had a session with my therapist. And she told me during our conversation something that entered my brain as an info, but took me a while to realize it. After the session, I went to the grocery store, had a trigger (everyday life for me), went home, pressed play on a Spotify playlist with slow instrumental music, started cleaning some things from the trigger, and………it hit me. I realized what she really told me!

She told me that the fact that I’m a fighter and have a great survival instinct, helped me to cope, helped me not to let myself go, helped me to fight.

That moment I realized that I survived my thoughts, I won, I was stronger than my brain. I’m alive and still here, because I am a fighter. I… won!!

Haha, it’s like I’m the final girl in real life. I have fought and keep fighting. And if I managed to win something like suicidal ideations and be happy and be here today, right now, I can do sooo many things! I can even live without OCD one day! (Maaagic!!)

All these thoughts burst into my mind, left aside my cleaning (OCD in pause), and well, let’s say I was crying and laughing, and crying, and crying, and saying to myself (out loud) “I won, I’m a fighter and I won!”, and laughing, and crying.

It was one of the greatest revelations I had during my 2+ years of therapy. And some kind of milestone for my life.

And writing these kind posts is not only for my sake (yes, it’s nice to tell your story to people who are willing to listen/read it), but most of all it’s the thought that one story, one post may help someone that’s going through a rough period.

Always remember, that you’re GOING THROUGH IT, it’s not forever. Things ARE GOING to get BETTER!